Looking forward

The future is this crazy blurry thing to me.  I know there are things I want to accomplish. There are dreams that my husband and I have together. I just don't see how we are going to get there.  He wants to move to a small town way north of Sac and I'm ok with that but only if we have kids. If we do that move we would have to completely change careers and one of us would have to work, and the hubbs doesn't know what career he wants to transition in to.

I guess I'm just anxious because things aren't clear. It's not clear that we will ever be able to have kids, its not clear that we will be able to move and change careers to live in the place he wants to live in, and I just have a hard time accepting that.  I'm not crazy about the idea of moving out of the bay area, it's a place I've been my happiest and my saddest. I know I have some friends who will actually be closer if/when we move but at the same time I just don't want to change everything.

If I could get some guarantee that we would or wouldn't have kids then I could make more desisions and start moving in a clear direction. These cycles are killing my future vision. I must say that infertility really robs you of having an idea of your own future and it stinks!

The dreaded crimson

Got my blood drawn last night for a pregnancy test. This morning I go to the bathroom and AF greets me. I got into the shower and cried. I prayed every night for a BFP and now I know it's not happening. My final confirmation (as if AF wasn't enough) was calling my RE and getting my NP on the phone telling me she was sorry but its negative.

Right now I'm at home in the darkness (as much as one can be in the middle of the day), mourning this latest failure. This weekend will probably be a slight binge in food and maybe a drink or two to numb the pain. Since August and September are my busiest months I will be hyper dieting (back to being a Nazi about my food) and back to the gym 5 days a week. I'm hoping to drop 15 or so pounds before I start again. I may not even try for a cycle for the rest of the year and just keep losing weight instead while I build myself up again for another cycle.

I did everything I could and yet my first ovulation was unsuccessful. Guess I was a dope thinking it could happen for me and my baby would be born on my grandmothers birthday.

I've cried and cleaned. Not sure what else I can do at this point. The blessing is that I have at least a month before I have to see the in-laws and tell them the cycle didn't work out.

Insemination

So Friday afternoon was the insemination. I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't painful.  My poor hubbs told me he never felt more useless. I told him he was there for moral support and he's like "well at least that's something". He's super cute. I got to work and all I could do was browse pregnancy sites (reminding myself of the progression) and start making "plans". I know that this has a higher chance of not working but at the same time I'm dealing with it like it's a done deal.

On Saturday I offered to bake him some cookies and he told me "You are already baking what I want" and put his hand on my tummy.  He's worried that I'm getting too emotionally attached but I can't help myself. And he's worried that the trigger shot didn't work so I didn't ovulate. I'm not worried on that front cause there has been A LOT of action in the lady bits. It also helps that my nipples are on constant erect mode and kinda hurt. I take those as good signs. Such good signs I've told my parents to plan to come out next summer.

When I look at basic biology lessons I realize that implantation could happen between the 19th and 21st.  My NP doesn't want me to take the blood test until the 23rd (which I am so going on the night of the 22nd) and a backup on the 25th.  Right now I'm trying to practice serenity. Reminding myself that everything I can possibly do has already been done. I haven't decided if I am going to POAS or not. Right now I'm leaning towards not but I still have 10 days so we will see how that fluctuates.

holy crap

I went to the doctors just expecting an ultra sound. We found 1 16mm 2 15mm and 1 14mm. She told me that she was going to trigger me this morning and come back tomorrow for IUI. I'm scared, excited, and anxious all wrapped up. My husbands comment was "gee I wish i had known that before we BD this morning"..heheh

My IUI is scheduled for 230p tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers and praying this works.

It will work! It will!

Good news

We have 2 folicles at 13mm and an estridial level of 288. 2 more nights of shots and theoretically I'll be done! That's the theory anyway. *crosses fingers* Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Frustrated

So I'm up to 3 vials a day of the bravelle. As of saturday we had 2 folicles at 10mm, and that was after 2 days of 2 vials. Apparently my body is as stubborn as my mind when it comes to injections. I go in tomorrow to see if either of them have gotten to 13 (which i pray they do so that this cycle could still work). If I don't then this cycle is called and no cycles until the end of September. I really want this cycle to work, please pray for me.