Can I start again?

I've been quiet. Many reasons for that. Mostly because my marriage looked like it was going to explode in to little bits and I wasn't ready to share that after all the emotional upheaval of the cycles.

Then blogger got blocked at work, where I spend most of my day online. When I get home I rarely turn a computer on. I just don't see the point as I have to be on one all day. But it's back now so I'm on it like white on rice.

So I'm going to start again with you. This blog will be conversations with myself about things I need to talk about. Be that marriage, infertility, work crazy, etc. I'm just going to speak as though I'm telling you the story. This will not be what I think I should say but rather what I want to say. I will not sensor myself

So lets start here and now.

September 2011 already?! Where did the year go? I really do think of this as my lost year. I lost sight of myself and the important things I want. My marriage went through a really rough patch. Like packing-up-my-stuff-trying-to-find-an-apartment rough patch. When things started to get better there I went back to therapy just to finally figure out what I actually wanted out of all of this.  That doesn't sound difficult at all right? Wrong. After much discussion I figured out the only reason I put the "i-don't-want-a-family" face on was because I was just too hurt and tired of failing.

We've not tried at all since December 2010's cycle didn't work out. We've been saving for IVF and will probably take that leap in the new year, if the 2 cycles of injections don't work. I had a conversation with a friend and she suggested that maybe I should see a hypnotist. I followed the advice and went for my first appointment earlier in the week. Am I 100% that this will work? No. But I have faith and it's time I exercised it.

Weight wise I'm above 200 again. Not sure exactly what at right now but I know it's over the limit. The truth with my weight is that I don't care right now. Or maybe I don't care enough to deny myself when I have a craving or desire for something. Am I loving the body? Not completely, I do love the fact I have some boobs, not lovin the jiggly belly though. That was probably TMI but seriously I've been an A cup for most of my life, I'm dancing in glee for the fact I got some C boobies, never mind the fact the tummy is larger than the boobs.

On the work front I'm not completely happy. I got a great raise in my review this year (woo 7%) but didn't get the title change I was angling for, so that's frustrating. My husband pointed out that maybe I just need to be sitting at this desk longer for that to happen. I suppose he's right but it doesn't make my ambition crazed side very happy. Oh well.

I suppose that's enough for now. Thanks for listening.