Friday, September 30, 2011

Five things on Friday

Every Friday I want to do a "5 things". I will choose a topic and write 5 positive things.

This week I choose....Work

1) I do enjoy the aspect of guiding people through the Financial aid process and letting them know what they need to know.
2) I enjoy talking with people and taking their interesting situations and making it work within the construct of federal policy.
3) I enjoy working in SF in the middle of the Financial District as there is always somewhere to visit.
4) I like knowing that I am the most organized person here, even though it doesn't translate to home.
5)I like the people I work with.

And here's the flip, 5 complaints about work:
1) People thinking that if they make me happy/sad it will affect how much aid I give them. It doesn't, these rules are set by the government and I can't change that
2) People thinking that I can just write them a check whenever their funds come in. It doesn't ever work that way, there is a process that has to be gone through. I know it takes time but seriously I have zero control on it.
3) People who think I'm out to screw them. There is no way I can screw you, the government protects you from that. Believe me I generally want you to leave me alone, its not worth the jail time and loss of career to even try to do anything.
4)Coworkers who don't pull their load. I work hard to make sure we can get as much money in so refunds can go out on time. I don't need to do your work too. I have plenty.
5) The unwillingness of the higher ups to rework things and change things that are only just barely working. Stop pretending this is a small school, its not. Let's try to be efficient people.

Ah I feel better now.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

I swear I'm not crazy...

Yesterday was not one of my better days. I did manage to only get yelled at once (and not even my student!) so that was a win. But getting home seriously broke me.  You see I commute from Hayward to San Francisco daily by Bus. I usually don't have any problems and it will usually take 45 minutes to an hour, either direction. Yesterday coming home was torture. Let me explain. I get off work at 4:30p, walk the 1/2 mile to the transbay bus station to catch the 5pm bus. Yesterday the 5pm bus didn't arrive until 5:10. Then we hit every conceivable bit of traffic on the way down the 880. I did not get home until 7pm. So I wasn't in the greatest of moods when I got there.

Then I had to empty the dishwasher, as I had been putting it off since Friday and I didn't want to hand wash the dishes that had stacked up since then. I go to empty it and notice everything is still dirty. So either my darling husband opened it or my cat did. That sent me to cursing a blue streak because now I had to wash the dishes and run the dishwasher at the same time. My poor husband hid in his office until I was done. I was still fuming but hadn't eaten anything so I had some left over Corned Beef and risotto. Once I ate I was out of my grumpy mood and back to feeling good. I swear it was like a Jekyll Hyde moment.

So I'm hoping today will be a do over day. I will go home and empty the dishwasher and reload with the hand washed dishes (because I am paranoid like that). Then I will fold the 3 weeks worth of laundry I've let accumulate and put it away. I will text my husband to make dinner so it is waiting on me when I get home so I will be in a better mood tonight.

I still have this weird nausea that is coming and going. Along with being crazy tired. Thank god my boobs aren't sore or else I'd have to get a pregnancy test to calm my brain down from that. I don't think I could stand the anxiety of that right now.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Monday Monday

Today is my least favorite day in any semester. It's refund day. This is where I get students ranging from Crying to screaming about getting/not getting/not getting what they thought in refund amount. No matter how hard I try to explain that it's simple math (tuition-aid= refund or out of pocket cost) these people can't seem to grasp it.

What I want to remind them is this:
1) This money comes from you going in to debt with the Federal government
2) Since you knew that refunds come this late why didn't you save money to pay for your supplies?!
3) I don't get to make the rules so I can't wave a magic wand and give you money. It's just not possible. There are rules that I have to follow or else I will lose my job and/or go to prison.

Luckily I am in the back corner of the room and don't have many visitors. I am trying very hard to keep zen and not just start throwing things. What doesn't help in all of this is that today I feel icky. My tummy is bouncing between vague nausea and need for a toilet.  My neck is also slightly tweaked so looking down isn't happening (not that I want to look at my feet but I would like the option to do so without pain).

All in all just a crappy Monday.

So now I need a positive moment:
I do very much enjoy my venti nonfat iced chai and protein box. It's enough to keep me going for most of the day. (300 calories for the Chai and 380 for the protein box= 680..not too shabby) I could have 2 of those and be set for the day! Woo! The chai is the best, it's so spicy (as in full of spice not OMG my mouth is burning). It's interesting to me that I can eat that and basically not be hungry until the afternoon. Yay me!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Can I start again?

I've been quiet. Many reasons for that. Mostly because my marriage looked like it was going to explode in to little bits and I wasn't ready to share that after all the emotional upheaval of the cycles.

Then blogger got blocked at work, where I spend most of my day online. When I get home I rarely turn a computer on. I just don't see the point as I have to be on one all day. But it's back now so I'm on it like white on rice.

So I'm going to start again with you. This blog will be conversations with myself about things I need to talk about. Be that marriage, infertility, work crazy, etc. I'm just going to speak as though I'm telling you the story. This will not be what I think I should say but rather what I want to say. I will not sensor myself

So lets start here and now.

September 2011 already?! Where did the year go? I really do think of this as my lost year. I lost sight of myself and the important things I want. My marriage went through a really rough patch. Like packing-up-my-stuff-trying-to-find-an-apartment rough patch. When things started to get better there I went back to therapy just to finally figure out what I actually wanted out of all of this.  That doesn't sound difficult at all right? Wrong. After much discussion I figured out the only reason I put the "i-don't-want-a-family" face on was because I was just too hurt and tired of failing.

We've not tried at all since December 2010's cycle didn't work out. We've been saving for IVF and will probably take that leap in the new year, if the 2 cycles of injections don't work. I had a conversation with a friend and she suggested that maybe I should see a hypnotist. I followed the advice and went for my first appointment earlier in the week. Am I 100% that this will work? No. But I have faith and it's time I exercised it.

Weight wise I'm above 200 again. Not sure exactly what at right now but I know it's over the limit. The truth with my weight is that I don't care right now. Or maybe I don't care enough to deny myself when I have a craving or desire for something. Am I loving the body? Not completely, I do love the fact I have some boobs, not lovin the jiggly belly though. That was probably TMI but seriously I've been an A cup for most of my life, I'm dancing in glee for the fact I got some C boobies, never mind the fact the tummy is larger than the boobs.

On the work front I'm not completely happy. I got a great raise in my review this year (woo 7%) but didn't get the title change I was angling for, so that's frustrating. My husband pointed out that maybe I just need to be sitting at this desk longer for that to happen. I suppose he's right but it doesn't make my ambition crazed side very happy. Oh well.

I suppose that's enough for now. Thanks for listening.