Tuesday, April 27, 2010

checking in

So everything is ramping up here at work and in my personal life.  I'm getting ready to move (as we are offically in escrow today) which is stressful but I've not packed anything.  I'm also kinda swimming along on this cycle, my next ultra sound is saturday and I'm hoping for two opposite things. I'm hoping for either no growth at all (which i doubt because the left side has been feeling heavy) and I'm hoping for one good mature one.

I can't believe that when/if this cycle is over that I'm taking a 5-6 month break to focus more on weight loss. I figure I should be able to drop another 20-30 lbs over that time period so I will be in the normal range. I am suprised to see that if I just lose 20lbs I will be in normal range.

lately I've been feeling really tired. I chalk this up to stress and not going to the gym. I've only gone once a week for the past two weeks, which kicks my butt. I'm going to have to figure out my gym situation with this move. I'm not looking forward to that.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Feeling Blah

Sorry the recent posts have been so short. I've not been in much of talking mood. I'm feeling rather blah and I don't know why.  We find out today if the people took the offer on the house and I'm excited about having my own place but not so excited about the whole packing up and moving thing. Especially since the husband promises to help this time. I do look forward to not having the actuall moving part and directing to where the boxes go.

Tonight I get to see a good friend from High school and I'm excited about that.

As for this cycle, I'm not really too keen on it. I really see it as a wasted cycle since I don't think the Clomid will get any folicle to mature at this point.  It also means that when this cycle is over I will not start injections until October. I'm waiting that long because Summer is my busiest season with work and I don't think I could deal with all of that and the injections at the same time without a nuclear explosion towards someone. I swear I'm doing this for everyone's safety.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


AF decided to visit yesterday afternoon and so that means tomorrow I have an appointment with Wandy. I'm over joyed can't you tell?

Monday, April 19, 2010

An offer made

Now the wait begins. When will we know if we are getting the place? Who knows. Here's to patience and my pursuit of it.

Weekend update

Ah the joys of Monday morning. Makes me really appreciate the weekend I just had. To recap:

Friday both hubby and I stayed home from work for a reconnect day. We've been fairly short with each other recently (yay stress) and we wanted to spend time just being together. So we went out to lunch, ran some errands, and transplanted our seeds into a halved wine barrel to start our garden.  All in all it was an incredibly lovely day and really makes me remember how much I love him and how awesome it is to just be the two of us.

Saturday we hung out more but I went off on a little shopping trip on my own.  I bought 2 new pairs of shoes (I actually found a pair of navy flats that don't make me want to gag) and a pair of new pants. I also hit my favorite place, Half-Priced books and got 4 new novels to read (I'm already down to 2 left to read).

Sunday was a bit of cleaning and getting things ready to move. I've started getting things together and trying to figure out how I'm going to pack everything if our escrow is only 30 days and we have a crazy May coming up. Thank goodness the hubs thinks we can swing paying rent for an extra month so we are not in so much of a hurry. I also spent part of the day watching him play Prince of Persia on our PS2. I love pointing out to him what he needs to do and that game is totally puzzle based. He took me out for a late afternoon lunch and we spent the evening doing chores.

All in all a good weekend for everyone.

Saturday, April 17, 2010


As was expected now just waiting for AF.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

waiting on the beta

Got the blood drawn today and I won't know until tomorrow if I'm pregnant or not. I'm erring on the side of not. Better not to get the hopes dashed.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


So last night after in depth discussion with my husband and my best friend we've decided to do one last round of Clomid before starting injectables.

So tomorrow is the blood pregnancy test and results on Friday. I don't expect to be pregnant since I'm having lower back pain and cramps. Not to mention no pregnancy symptoms at all.

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


So I got an email back from my Nurse practioner at the RE clinic (I work primarily with her and have an RE overseeing everything, which I actually prefer this way. Also woo hoo for email from a doctor, that's a WIN Kaiser!).  She told me I had a choice
1) Do one more round of Clomid at 150mg and see what that does
2) Start doing the "low and slow" part of injectables. Bravelle 75 international units. Means more monitoring and more missed work time. Which means as we head into high season here at the office, more grumpy people and longer days with shorter breaks at my desk.

The pills are easy, I just take em for 5 days and go in for 2-3 wandings.

The injections are not. I could need them for upto 12 days and thats with blood work either every other or every third day.

I'm not really sure what to do on this one. I mean if i do one more round of pills it could take (lucky clomid cycle #3) and if it doesn't then we know for sure that injectables are the way to go. If I move on to injectables things could work or not. I need advice and would appreciate any input.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Lovely weekend

My weekend was so wonderful I thought I would share although it didn't get off to the greatest start.  Sautrday morning we got up on the earlier side (around 7:30am instead of 8 or 9) and we needed to print off the accessors maps so we could go look at the property.  Of course this is when the HP decides to be a big ol pain. It caused a bit of friction between the hubs and myself because we weren't using our words and we were grumpy.  Then we drove out to where the land was and its completely inaccessable (unless we put down our own road) and is a hill, no space to build on so that killed that. At least I got a good walk in and some hiking.  Then the hubs took me home so I could change shoes and I ran off to get my hair cut.  My hair person decides to wash and straighten my hair (incredibly joyus since my hair is so damn curly I can't straighten it on my own). Of course that means I was about 10 minutes late to tea with my girl friend from high school.  We had a love tea with little sandwhiches and sweets. Then we had time to kill until her husband was done playing golf and the four of us went to dinner, so we did what we usually do, found a mall and started wandering around.  She helped me look in every shoe store in the Great Mall (which there are many) for Navy blue dress shoes.

To digress for a moment: I'm a bridesmaid in a good friends wedding, our dress color is Navy blue (which I will look stunning in) BUT she wants us to have navy shoes and I refuse to get shoes dyed (last time my feet were the shoe color for a week, no thanks). I've spent 3 months looking for a pair of shoes that aren't stripper shoes or loafers to no avail. I'm about to buy a pair of regular blue shoes (or the pair I saw of Christian Sorianos at payless) and call it a day. The wedding is next month so I don't have a lot of options left.

Moving on. We get her husband and go to the hotel (since its in the next town over and its silly to run me home so I can herd the hubbs or so I thought) and I shoot the husband a text when we are on our way to the restaurant so he can meet us there. We get there and he is no where to be found. I call him up and he was confused but told me he'd be there in 15 min. Then we had a lovely dinner. This was the first time I'd spent more than 5 minutes with my friends husband so I was happy that he's a really nice guy. After stuffing myself on risotto and custard we all head our own ways.

Sunday the hubs had plans to go play with friends in sac so I had scheduled a lunch with my girl Jen. I hadn't seen Jen since I left davis 6 years ago.  She brought her youngest son (who is about 4 months) and I got to have baby time. It wasn't hard even though the little guy was a bit grouchy. So we had a lovely lunch and played a bit with the baby and then she went home and I went back to regularly scheduled chores, which I did not feel like doing at all. So I did very little.

I don't have anything specific to look forward to this weekend so who knows what trouble I will get into.

Friday, April 9, 2010


Last night when I got home the husband and I talked about the ultra sound and what was coming up next. I was feeling particularly put out because when I get bad news I want to eat out at a restaurant and he didn't want to do that.

He told me he was kinda sad and disappointed that this cycle didn't work and that he was worried about me since I had been so hopeful about this cycle. This is the first time he ever expressed any emotion over our cycle beyond worry that I was too overweight for things to work out right.  I was touched and I told him that I live in this world where it's reality vs fantasy and really told him how I dream about everything. He wanted to know if I wanted to slow things down and wait on the injectables so I can lose more weight. I told him that I didn't want to slow things down I wanted to keep going because losing the weight and becoming pregnant aren't goals that have to be gone after seperately. We're still up in the air as to wether we want to try IUI or just do a round with timed intercourse. Any advice on that?

Right now I'm ok or at least that's what I'm telling myself. It helps that we are very much looking at the future and setting up an actual house for ourselves and at this point even though we don't have enough information we are moving ahead. I really want the build to work. I want the house and the basement and it to be all new and to our specifications. I think its a risk we can handle.

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Well we had another ultra sound. The biggest folicle was 5.5 and it looks like all the cysts got bigger. So they are calling this cycle as over and we are done with the clomid and possibly moving on to the injectables.

I have to do a pregnancy test on April 15th just to be sure, I call in on the 16th get my results and then start the provera. By then i will know what injectables I will be doing.

So how am I feeling? Well I'm a bit sad that it appears this cycle is over however I know that this doesn't always happen at first. I'm not really looking forward to injecting myself but if we do that then maybe I will go back to acupunture. I guess I'm just Ok, not upset but not happy either. I suppose its the perfect medium.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Ready for tomorrow

I'm ready to sleep in an extra hour.
I'm ready to have a shorter work day.
I'm REALLY ready to know what the heck is goin on in ladyville.

Today I'm crampy off an on and I have no gage for what this is, it feels soo completely different than anything I've felt previously. When I had the cyst it hurt to lay on my tummy and felt heavy. This time I feel like a poked bruise. Tender, slightly painful and all too aware of it. Did I also mention the lack of consentration? The thought that I am going to fall asleep at my desk with no help?

Yes I am ready for tomorrow, for tomorrow there will be answers (hopefully).

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Fantasy vs Reality

Any IFer knows there are two places you have a foot on at any given time: Fantasy and Reality.

Anything can spin you off into the relm of Fantasy and try as you might Reality comes crashing in. Here's my story from yesterday.

I went to the bathroom yesterday and there was some blood. What was my immediate thought: Implantation bleeding! Yes I went to that OMG BABY!!!!! It doesn't matter that I don't know if I ovulated, it was CD22 and in a "normal" cycle implantation could theoretically take place around this. Then the fantasy of going in for my ultrasound on Thursday to "hrm whats that in your uterus, OMG get this girl a pregnancy test stat" (cause in my fantasys all doctor lingo comes from Greys Anatomy). And the thing is that it could theoretically be possible. My cervix was high and soft around cd 12 and the mucus was perfect (btw I hate checking for mucus, I always feel like I need to buy my Vag a drink before I do it).

But the reality is that most likely Ovulation didn't occur and this was just spotting.

I prefer the fantasy don't you?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Easter Weekend

I had a lovely weekend with the family. I spent lots of time playing with my adorable 3 year old nephew and holding my 3 month old niece. It was fun to watch my nephew and husband run around and play with fake swords and axes (my husband was teaching my nephew proper axe moves, brilliant right?)

I even got in my viewing of Easter Parade! I got up and the husband was in the shower and the mother-in-law was still asleep. This means I get to choose anything off the whole DirectTV list! I'm obessed with TV and we only have basic cable so I was like a kid in a candy store until I saw Easter Parade on the list, of course I turned it on. My husband comes out to the living room and says "gah not this again!" I laughed.

We drove home earlier in the day than normal getting home at 5pm rather our usual 8pm because it was raining and crazy windy. I could feel the wind pushing at the car as we crossed over the benicia bridge. It gives me shivers just to think about that. Us getting home that early gave us a chance to "practice". I must say he is very sweet. He got me a pillow, book, glass of water and tissues so I could be elevated for at least a half hour and not get bored. I swear BD is getting better now that we're back on treatments, or maybe its just I actually have the urge to once again where before I did not. Food for thought.

Friday, April 2, 2010

a great read for any IF


Random ramblings

Firstly let me say welcome to my new followers! I hope my little blog doesn't bore you completely. I'm still relatively new at this so I am learning on how to do things so bear with me.

My anxiety level is slowly starting to ramp up since tomorrow is yet another date with wandy. I really have mixed feeling on this. I want growth, growth in folicles is very good, but fear there will not be enough growth and that will mean another week of waiting to see. I'd almost rather call this one as not working so we can move forward and start on the next since it doesn't ever work out on the first time, right? I will be interested to see if I've lost any weight this week. I've not hit the gym particularly hard so I really doubt it but I'm curious none the less.

Also last night the hubbs and I were up late (for me) talking about buying. Here's where we are at. There's a nice pre-fab home in a mobile home park in Hayward (a nice part but still, hayward ick) that we can absolutely afford and it won't break us at all. In fact we'd be saving money doing that and wouldn't have to have anything done to the place as it is pristine. Our other option is to wait for the house we liked to come back on the market after being foreclosed. This could be months. The bank that owns it could put it out there for more than we can afford. And if we did somehow manage to get it at $300k it would be penny pinching time for years, and it needs alot of work to make it into what we invision. But it has a yard and will most likely appreciate. I just don't know which wagon to jump in on this one.

I need to remind myself that we aren't in a hurry. We do have the time to wait and really get what we want. Maybe the best course of action is none at all.

MckLinky Blog Hop

Blog Hop!!

So I read quite a few IF blogs since it passes the time at work when there isn't anything to do and its great to find out I'm not the only one with issues.

So a lovely lady at Busted Plumbinghttp://www.bustedplumbing.com/2010/04/infertility-blog-hop-participation.html is encouraging people to share and read the other blogs out there to give support on this holiday weekend.


Easter is one of those times I feel very sad and yet not. Every year at Easter time I would watch Easter Parade (ya know Judy Garland? Fred Astaire?) to be with my grandmother vicariously (she lived 3000 miles away and this was her favorite movie). After she died Easter was just completely crappy for me. It was too near her birthday and all I would be able to think about was her. When I got married Easter was such a big family holiday that I came up with reasons not to go. It was worse as all the cousins his age started spawning. I just didn't want to be around babys when I knew I couldn't have one. I couldn't just seperate it into being happy for someone else.

Then my SIL had her first child. It has taken me almost 3 years to get to the point where I was not completely hurt everytime I saw that child. I love my nephew and look forward to playing with him more over the weekend.

I'm finally able to put the proper space between people having kids and me not having kids. Although it would be better this weekend if my folicles showed some growth (but I'm not holding out alot of hope there).