IVF consult

We had our consult with the head of the IVF clinic and put down our deposit for Feb/March. Everything went pretty much as I had anticipated except the Doctor said that we are on the edge of unexplained fertility since our 6 IUI's did not work. He made some suggestions on what we could do leading up to it but I'm still really scared that we try this and it still doesn't work. Then we will have spent that money for no reason. That's my biggest fear.

Do not speak what you will not do, for one day you will eat your words

At the beginning of my journey of infertility before I could understand what the different methods were I was strong that I would not ever do IVF because that was just too unnatural (please forgive my ignorant 22 year old self, she was well...a bitch).


So those words are now something I have to eat. Our last inject-able treatment was a dismal failure. Such a failure that my period showed up 2 days (!!) before the blood pregnancy test. I allowed myself to have a pity party for one day and only one day. The next morning I got up drove to my conference (that was 3 hours away) and got the blood drawn for my pregnancy test. I told myself that even though things have not gone as planed that we were blessed to still have options available.

So yesterday I got back in touch with our clinic and got the phone number for an IVF case manager. I called her and she explained what all was going to happen and the sequence of events (which was wonderful because I had no clue what all had to happen first). I even got to schedule my appointment for our official consult and a list of labs that need to happen.

Tomorrow I get to speak with the head of the clinic about what our protocol will be. I'm a jumble of emotions and feel more than a little lost when it comes down to all of this. I know from reading other people's blogs that IVF doesn't guarantee success. In fact IVF can be where you find out horrible news. I'm just praying that its not horrible news for me. I have so many worries and so much anxiety built around IVF as a process. It's a process I long to know all the ins and outs of but at the same time would rather not since that means I've done it multiple times. Really this is just a struggle. I know I have a battle ahead of me and I've prepared as much as I can. I just hope it's enough.

First follow up ultra sound

So I've done 5 days of injections thus far (no bruises or major blood spurting). I went in this morning for the first follow up ultra sound. I have many follicles four 7mm, two 8mm, and one 9.1! I'm more than a little surprised to have one that big thus far but am excited. I have to go back on Thursday to get another follow up but hopefully there will be 2-3 big ones. I'm hoping to be triggered this weekend and inseminated prior to Thanksgiving. I'm listening to my circle bloom PCOS cycle mp3s every night and I think it's helping me to stay calm and accept things as they are going. I'm also avoiding unnecessary stress and problems. The only bad thing was the scale. I've put on 2 lbs but I think it may be that my clothes were heavier. Last week I was in leggings, a tunic, and suede ankle boots. Today a cotton oversize shirt, vest, heavy dress pants, and sneakers. So for me I see 2 pounds in all of that. But I am thankful for things as they are. :)

Once more!

Today was CD3, that means yet another appointment with Wandy! Woo. This meant that I got to sleep in an extra 2 (!) hours, which was marvelous. Once I was up my husband wondered to the kitchen and made me breakfast. It was super delicious.

My clinic is so very nice. Even though it had been almost a year since we had come in, people still remembered us and were all "where have you been?!" and it was nice to reconnect and still feel positive. As is par for the course we didn't see the RN until about 10 minutes after our appointment time (even though we arrived 10 minutes early). Then it was on to the wand, lining looked good but still have a bazillion small follicles. So then it was on to talking about this cycles cocktail. 2 vials Bravelle and 1 vial Menopur every night. I go back on Monday to see what (if anything) has grown. I know I say this every cycle but this cycle feels different. I feel positive and upbeat. I'm not going to let it take over me and am still going to do the things I like to do (minus drinking and such).

All in all I'm quite happy about things, which is a nice change of scenery.

My mind wanders....

Welcome to October! No it doesn't matter that it's 11 days in and I'm just now remembering it's October. Nor does it matter that my anniversary is this weekend. That is not filling up my brain these days. What has been filling up my mind is: babies.
I can explain I swear. You will think I'm crazy but I went to a hypnotist who specializes in fertility, I've done 2 sessions with her and interesting things are happening. So I typically don't have a lot going on downstairs but for the last two weeks there has been quite a bit of action going on. Weird sensations, cramping, spotting 2 Sundays in a row. Add that to my 2 weeks of feeling incredibly tired and nauseated and we have an issue. You see I jump right in to figuring out dates, like due dates. Yes if I were to get pregnant right now I could potentially have my baby on or around my 30th birthday. Which would be awesome! Which then gets me looking down the line and you know where this is going right? On a related note one of the managers in my office had her baby this past weekend at 34 weeks, everyone is good so that's good. Just makes me want a baby. I'm going to test this weekend and then I have an appointment in 2 weeks. If I don't have my period in that time frame I think I want to start doing another session of injectables.

The reason for going back on injectables is that I have time right now. I can float around my work days to cover appointments and make it work. The only thing is that I don't think the Husband is behind it currently. He's not happy with his weight and such. I guess I know what I will be bringing up at our anniversary dinner.

In other news I am becoming obsessed with Pinrest! I have about 8 boards right now. The only thing I really want to know is how I can print the board because I have this motivation one and its awesome and I want to look at it A LOT.  Beyond that I'm good to go! :)

Five things on Friday

Every Friday I want to do a "5 things". I will choose a topic and write 5 positive things.

This week I choose....Work

1) I do enjoy the aspect of guiding people through the Financial aid process and letting them know what they need to know.
2) I enjoy talking with people and taking their interesting situations and making it work within the construct of federal policy.
3) I enjoy working in SF in the middle of the Financial District as there is always somewhere to visit.
4) I like knowing that I am the most organized person here, even though it doesn't translate to home.
5)I like the people I work with.

And here's the flip, 5 complaints about work:
1) People thinking that if they make me happy/sad it will affect how much aid I give them. It doesn't, these rules are set by the government and I can't change that
2) People thinking that I can just write them a check whenever their funds come in. It doesn't ever work that way, there is a process that has to be gone through. I know it takes time but seriously I have zero control on it.
3) People who think I'm out to screw them. There is no way I can screw you, the government protects you from that. Believe me I generally want you to leave me alone, its not worth the jail time and loss of career to even try to do anything.
4)Coworkers who don't pull their load. I work hard to make sure we can get as much money in so refunds can go out on time. I don't need to do your work too. I have plenty.
5) The unwillingness of the higher ups to rework things and change things that are only just barely working. Stop pretending this is a small school, its not. Let's try to be efficient people.

Ah I feel better now.

I swear I'm not crazy...

Yesterday was not one of my better days. I did manage to only get yelled at once (and not even my student!) so that was a win. But getting home seriously broke me.  You see I commute from Hayward to San Francisco daily by Bus. I usually don't have any problems and it will usually take 45 minutes to an hour, either direction. Yesterday coming home was torture. Let me explain. I get off work at 4:30p, walk the 1/2 mile to the transbay bus station to catch the 5pm bus. Yesterday the 5pm bus didn't arrive until 5:10. Then we hit every conceivable bit of traffic on the way down the 880. I did not get home until 7pm. So I wasn't in the greatest of moods when I got there.

Then I had to empty the dishwasher, as I had been putting it off since Friday and I didn't want to hand wash the dishes that had stacked up since then. I go to empty it and notice everything is still dirty. So either my darling husband opened it or my cat did. That sent me to cursing a blue streak because now I had to wash the dishes and run the dishwasher at the same time. My poor husband hid in his office until I was done. I was still fuming but hadn't eaten anything so I had some left over Corned Beef and risotto. Once I ate I was out of my grumpy mood and back to feeling good. I swear it was like a Jekyll Hyde moment.

So I'm hoping today will be a do over day. I will go home and empty the dishwasher and reload with the hand washed dishes (because I am paranoid like that). Then I will fold the 3 weeks worth of laundry I've let accumulate and put it away. I will text my husband to make dinner so it is waiting on me when I get home so I will be in a better mood tonight.

I still have this weird nausea that is coming and going. Along with being crazy tired. Thank god my boobs aren't sore or else I'd have to get a pregnancy test to calm my brain down from that. I don't think I could stand the anxiety of that right now.

Monday Monday

Today is my least favorite day in any semester. It's refund day. This is where I get students ranging from Crying to screaming about getting/not getting/not getting what they thought in refund amount. No matter how hard I try to explain that it's simple math (tuition-aid= refund or out of pocket cost) these people can't seem to grasp it.

What I want to remind them is this:
1) This money comes from you going in to debt with the Federal government
2) Since you knew that refunds come this late why didn't you save money to pay for your supplies?!
3) I don't get to make the rules so I can't wave a magic wand and give you money. It's just not possible. There are rules that I have to follow or else I will lose my job and/or go to prison.

Luckily I am in the back corner of the room and don't have many visitors. I am trying very hard to keep zen and not just start throwing things. What doesn't help in all of this is that today I feel icky. My tummy is bouncing between vague nausea and need for a toilet.  My neck is also slightly tweaked so looking down isn't happening (not that I want to look at my feet but I would like the option to do so without pain).

All in all just a crappy Monday.

So now I need a positive moment:
I do very much enjoy my venti nonfat iced chai and protein box. It's enough to keep me going for most of the day. (300 calories for the Chai and 380 for the protein box= 680..not too shabby) I could have 2 of those and be set for the day! Woo! The chai is the best, it's so spicy (as in full of spice not OMG my mouth is burning). It's interesting to me that I can eat that and basically not be hungry until the afternoon. Yay me!

Can I start again?

I've been quiet. Many reasons for that. Mostly because my marriage looked like it was going to explode in to little bits and I wasn't ready to share that after all the emotional upheaval of the cycles.

Then blogger got blocked at work, where I spend most of my day online. When I get home I rarely turn a computer on. I just don't see the point as I have to be on one all day. But it's back now so I'm on it like white on rice.

So I'm going to start again with you. This blog will be conversations with myself about things I need to talk about. Be that marriage, infertility, work crazy, etc. I'm just going to speak as though I'm telling you the story. This will not be what I think I should say but rather what I want to say. I will not sensor myself

So lets start here and now.

September 2011 already?! Where did the year go? I really do think of this as my lost year. I lost sight of myself and the important things I want. My marriage went through a really rough patch. Like packing-up-my-stuff-trying-to-find-an-apartment rough patch. When things started to get better there I went back to therapy just to finally figure out what I actually wanted out of all of this.  That doesn't sound difficult at all right? Wrong. After much discussion I figured out the only reason I put the "i-don't-want-a-family" face on was because I was just too hurt and tired of failing.

We've not tried at all since December 2010's cycle didn't work out. We've been saving for IVF and will probably take that leap in the new year, if the 2 cycles of injections don't work. I had a conversation with a friend and she suggested that maybe I should see a hypnotist. I followed the advice and went for my first appointment earlier in the week. Am I 100% that this will work? No. But I have faith and it's time I exercised it.

Weight wise I'm above 200 again. Not sure exactly what at right now but I know it's over the limit. The truth with my weight is that I don't care right now. Or maybe I don't care enough to deny myself when I have a craving or desire for something. Am I loving the body? Not completely, I do love the fact I have some boobs, not lovin the jiggly belly though. That was probably TMI but seriously I've been an A cup for most of my life, I'm dancing in glee for the fact I got some C boobies, never mind the fact the tummy is larger than the boobs.

On the work front I'm not completely happy. I got a great raise in my review this year (woo 7%) but didn't get the title change I was angling for, so that's frustrating. My husband pointed out that maybe I just need to be sitting at this desk longer for that to happen. I suppose he's right but it doesn't make my ambition crazed side very happy. Oh well.

I suppose that's enough for now. Thanks for listening.