Oh my...

So we've offically canned the house I fell in love with. It was falling down the hill and had major foundation issues. So we are back to square one.



This weekend I went to Pismo Beach (and the Madonna Inn--I LOVE their cake, so much that I spent $20 on 3 slices of different cakes). My best friend Sari and I went on a road trip to celebrate her birthday. It speaks to me that we spent the 3.5 hours down completely talking and catching up (we don't see each other much now since we both have significant others). It was beautiful to stand on the pier and have some honest conversations while watching the surf. It made me long to be younger and out there with my parents riding dirt bikes in the dunes.



Sunday we spent the day looking at more houses. Found one that I would absolutely love but is completely out of reach financially. Looked at a few that were really crazy and had thoughts of demolition dancing in my head.



Buying a house is an anxiety inducer. There are so many varibules and unknowns. I didn't even realize how freaking expensive it is to put in an offer. You have to have 1% deposit, pay for all the inspections (pest, etc), and that doesn't count the down payment or the fees once the house has closed (somewhere between 1-4% of the cost of the house). You have to have major cash on hand to do this. I mean $100 bucks is still a lot of money to me. Then we're talking putting $70,000 in cash for a place that may or may not appreciate. It's a little more than I can handle. Thank god for Zac, he takes these HUGE house prices and translates it into what it would mean monthly for us.



I suppose I could look at smaller houses, with less space than we currently have. But my dad told me to either trade up or don't trade at all. I'm currently in a 2bed 1bath with den. The house is one of the oldest structures on the street and has all those quirks an old house has. When it boils down to it I have to have at least another 1/2 bath (boys are icky). That's all I'm asking to add at this point. Although there are the "wouldn't it be nice if...." parts like a garage with storage space, a dishwasher (I think I'd kill for one at this point), a big back yard to plant our garden in.





I love looking but at this point I would prefer some definites rather than some maybes.

Change is for the better....right?

So many changes coming around. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I've changed locations for my work station (across from 2 coworkers who aren't exactly friendly) so I've been moving stuff and getting it organized so that way I can get back to work. There was just so much drama on getting my computer moved from one side of the room to the other. I have a new computer to show for it though, so I should be grateful.



The other change coming is potentially moving. I hate the holding pattern. The not knowing if we are going to move or if we are not. It's the tug of war and uncertainty that really drives my anxiety. I realize I will not know until I know BUT I would like a hint in either direction. Especially since it means either completing my overhaul on the house (I have only 2 rooms left to get straight) or just start thinking about packing.





Another thing that's giving me high anxiety is money. I dislike money because lack of it causes so many conflicts and fights. I like money because I can do things I like to do. I like to go out to lunch but not having money is going to make that impossible.



With looking at a house we are thinking of liquidating 401k's but what do we do for money for fix ups? Depending on the house we get we either save for awhile then do fix ups or we move a renter in. If we moved a renter in I have a short list of people I would ask, my best friend and a coworker of Zac's. Beyond that I don't think I'd just rent out to anyone. I am too much of a pain to deal with and have high expectations when it comes to roommates.

So why do I want to lose weight?

When I read motivational teachings they all agree that you need to clearly state not only your goals but the reasons why you want these things. So why would I want to lose weight?



Here are the reasons (some obvious, some not so)

• I don't ever want to hear the words "I'm not attracted to you physically anymore" EVER AGAIN.
• I want to be in pictures and not cringe when I see them, only noticing how fat I am
• I want to feel sexy
• I want to touch my toes
  
  
• I want to be able to keep up with my husband while we're walking and not become winded
• I want to be able to walk around Disneyland and not feel like "if i don't sit down soon someone is going to get hurt"
• When I tell someone what I weigh I don't want to hear "well you don't look like you weigh that much", I want to hear "damn you look good"
• I want to go back to buying clothes in the normal stores not a specialty overweight store (even though their clothes right now are cuter)
• When I put on a shirt I don't want to be surprised by how tight it is
• I don't want to have to throw out clothes just because I'm not that skinny anymore
• When people who knew me 15 years ago see me I don't want them to think "gosh she's let herself go"
• I want to give myself the best possible chance to conceive
  
  
• I want to be happy.
  
  

One year from now

I lurk around a few blogs and Betty Rubble was doing a "where will you be in 365 days". I thought I would go ahead and address that and show you my hopes for 2010-11



February 2011



This will see me settling into a new home that I actually own. While things will still probably be chaotic, I will know more about home repair than I did in Feb 2010. I was pleasantly surprised with how good I am at fixing things.



On the baby front we will be waiting for the blessed arrival of our first child. It will suprise me that it only took 2 cycles to conceive and had a low key pregnancy. The factor that helped the most was the 50 lbs I lost right before the 2nd cycle. For the pregnancy I kept very active and only gained 20 of it back but am now armed with how to get it off my body.





Work wise, I'm working until the last possible moment, making sure to keep my feet up and walk around. I enjoyed getting a raise back in August '10 and an increase in responsibility. Current plans are to go back to work 3 months after baby arrives but on a reduced schedule with working from home a few days a week. Luckily my bosses are really understand and fantastic on this whole baby thing.



A few of the goals we met in 2010 that I've not yet mentioned:

- We paid Zac's mom back the money she gave us before her birthday

- We got Zac's old truck up and running and are now a two car family

- We got the garden in and are cutting down on grocery bills

- Since we've been penny pinching (poor Lincoln) we have a decent amount of savings

Where I am

I am feeling in an introspective kind of mood. In that line of thought I put together two lists (since i am a list queen!)



What I'm proud of (currently):

- The fact that I've gone to the gym 4 times in the last 8 days (going to add one tonight)

- That my pants fit better (almost to the point of needing them fixed since no belt loops on the pants)

- TMI but sex is more active and better

- I can see and feel the changes in my body

- I'm not having as many sweet cravings

- I am more conscious of what I'm eating, and most of that is fruit or veggie based

- I've taken steps to become a homeowner and could be one by my birthday



Things that need more work:

- I'm not balancing the house work and life very well. I think I need to go back to doing stuff everyday rather than once a week

- Even with eating better than I was previously I need more fiber

- I've been really deviating from the recommended diet guidelines and I think I could lose more weight if I was stricter following the guidelines.

- I'm not being disciplined with keeping track of my money. I think it's time for the journal to pop up with the money it it again.



I'm feeling good and more positive everyday. I do realize there will be bad days but in general those will fall away and the happy days will remain.

Goals for Feburary

This is what i want from February:



I will hit the gym at least 12 times (3 times a week will meet this goal)

I will lose at least 10 lbs (2.5 lbs a week would meet this goal)

• If I hit this goal I will hit losing 10% of my body weight which is a major milestone for me. the ultimate goal being 169 by April 17th, 2010. The end goal being 139 by July 1st (this goal being conditional that I am not pregnant by then)

I will take my vitamins everyday

I will work in the yard and get the seeds germinating for my garden

I will finish the re-organization of my current residence

I will get the paperwork organized and shredded by March 1

I will document every penny I spend

I will save at least $100 by the end of the month ($25/week would meet this goal)



So there are my expectations, lets meet them.

January Review

January brought many changes.



I became an Auntie again and finally am not scared of babies.



I can realize that I could be a great mother because of who I am.



I finally got Zac to see that we weren't moving in any direction and so now we are working toward getting a house and nesting, its a nice change.



I am no longer a member of the 200 club, and so far have lost 12 lbs. I started at 211 lbs.



I went to the gym 5 times the entire month, better than previously but still I know I can do better.

2010

This year has a lot in store for me:
1) By April 2010 I will be 20 pounds lighter
2) By June 2010 I will have all of my bills filed and archived correctly
3) By September 2010 I will have an increase in pay and responsibility at my Job.
4) By December 31st 2010 I will have over $2000 in savings (which will be a first for me!)

And those are just the highlights. There's a multitude of things that will happen for me in 2010. Things I don't want to bore you with.I hope great things happen for you. *hugs*

Horoscope for today

This was in my inbox today:This is the most important time in your life to maintain consistency in everything you do. You've come too far to cave in now! Look at the overview of the whole year and sketch out a blueprint to help you stay on track. Stand up straight and never say "try" this year. That's a word for pessimists. Think like as optimist and "assume" you will succeed!I read this after in my mind going, meh I don't want to go to the gym today. I think I will skip it. So it looks like I'm not going to skip it and I am going to try to be consistent. There is nothing that is more a pain in the butt than trying to establish a new routine.Currently I've been going to the gym after I get off work and I don't think I will change that, cause I don't do mornings. It's all I can do to get up and dressed for work! I just have to work on going to the gym as much as I can tolerate which needs to be three times a week. I just keep finding excuses not to go. I like how I feel when I'm done and I just finally got over the thought that people are watching me (no they aren't they are wrapped up in themselves). So why don't I feel like going? Because being lazy is the easy path.Why can't going to the gym and being consistent be the easy path?

An introduction

Welcome! This is my blog where I will track my weight loss journey (that just sounds cheesy). So maybe some background would be good? Here we go:



I'm 27, married for almost 5 years, and have PCOS. PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) is a very defining thing for me. It helps me to tell people why I'm overweight, why I don't (yet) have children, and why I don't do baby showers (ever).



So here I am. In it to lose it. I started January 2010 armed with 211 lbs and a plan to make it to 140 (my high school weight).



These plans include:

-Complete overhaul of diet

-Actual activity (I'm a book nut who would rather read than go outside)

-Making myself accountable.



You are about to come with me on a trip where I don't if I will end up at the destination but I will try every road I know to get there.