I wasn't diagnosed with this until I was 23 about to get married. But I knew something wasn't right with me for years before that. You see I had my first period when I was 15. That's right 15. I can remember sitting in Chemistry class and feeling something wierd and going 'oh my god im gonna die' not because I didn't know intellectually about periods but because I didn't think that much blood could be a good thing. So when the next month came I was prepared, and nothing happened. Nothing happened for a year, then I got a short period. My mother told me I should be thankful since it means not dealing with all of that monthly. When I was 16 my 13 year old sister got her period for the first time and got it every month. She envyed me and I didn't think about it. When I turned 18 and had only 3 periods under my belt my mom took me to her Gyno. He was an older man who I was not comfortable with. When my mom told him I had only had 3 periods he told us that I was a late bloomer and that if it wasn't regular by the time I was 22 I should come back in. We automatically accepted this because, hey, he's a doctor and we aren't. I enjoyed only getting periods once a year. One year I had two and was completely unnerved by it.
Fast forward to 23. I had just gotten health insurance through my fiancee and he was adamant that I go get everything checked because he knew that was not normal by any means. I walked into the doctors office, a woman this time, and she took me to her office before the exam. Before I could even tell her my history she asked all the right questions and told me that she thought I had PCOS and it would be difficult for me to get pregnant without medical assistance. I was floored. I was about to marry the man I loved and I couldn't guarantee that I would give him a child. I feel in to depression and told him I would understand if he wanted to cancel the engagement because of this. Since he's completely wonderful he refused and told me that he wants me and if we have children it will be icing on the cake or not necessary.
I was thankful for his words but that didn't help me feel any less adequate. I was less of a woman for not menstrating with any kind of regularity. Any PCOS-er will tell you once you get the diagnosis things can go a coupple of ways: Depresson leading eventually to action or action. I would love to say I'm one of the few who were able to bypass depression and jump right into action but I would be lying. I was depressed for a long time, sometimes it seemed I was coming out of it (that was mostly to do with hyper focusing on something else) but I was very unhappy.
In late 2008 things started coming to a head. I was so depressed that everyday it was a battle to get out of bed. Because of work my anxiety levels were sky high. I had a panic attack one day because my boss was going to move my office (for the 5th time that year). I knew I couldn't take anymore so I made an appointment with a psychologist. It wasn't the first time I had gone into therapy but I knew it had helped me before. I sat there and was rather blunt about things and she told me I had an anxiety disorder and I was clinically depressed and they wanted to start me on meds. I hate meds. I hate taking pills and that was not something I wanted to do. But I filled the prescription and brought it home and talked with my husband. I told him my struggle on whether or not to take them and he pointed me in a direction I had not expected. He pointed me to his mother. Apprently after her divorce she was severely depressed and the only way anything got done was when she was on the meds. I called her and talked to her about that time and she told me it gave her the ability to do things when she couldn't find it in herself to get them done. I was already forcing myself to do things so I decided to toss the pills and concentrate on the depression behavior modification classes they signed me up for.
The classes helped. I finally figured out that it was my self talk that was really getting me into the loops of depression. I can now say that I employ all the techniques that class taught me. It even helped with my anxiety. I feel more like myself than I've ever felt. And everyday gets better. That is the point right?
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