The housing issue

So right now the Hubbs and I live in a cute older house (which has MANY quirks). We rent and it's finally starting to dawn on us that we need to "not be throwing money away". I am all for that. So we've been house hunting for almost three months. We've looked at single family homes, pre-fab homes in mobile parks, and lastly a lot in a small town that we would have to build on.

I really like looking to see the different floor plans and how things can work out for us. I'm just a little tired of the "can we actually afford this?" "do I like this" dances.

I just want some resolution already!

I really like the idea of buying a lot and putting a house on it. I think it would be a win all the way around. I'd get to have what I want in the house and the Hubbs could have the location he wants.

I really just need to leave it upstairs with Coach.

CD 15 and ultrasound

Today was the check back ultra sound to see if there were any folicles that were mature and to see if there was a trigger shot for me today.

The good:
1) My weight on the scale was 191.2 (which since I was in work clothes I can subtract 3 lbs and be under 190 for the first time in 6 years)
2) Our RE-NP (reproductive endocrinologist nurse practitioner) remembered us from a year ago and was happy to see us back in.

The bad:
1) The biggest folicle was measuring at a 7.7cm, no where near the needed 20 cm to be mature and to trigger
2) My uterine lining was very slim, about 5.5cm

The ugly:
1) I have to go back on Saturday to see if there is any change. If not then we will probably start progesterone and we will move on to cycle number 2 for 2010

20 lbs down!

So I weighed myself on the Wii (yay Wii Fit plus!) and subtracting my clothes I have officially hit my first weight loss goal! I'm at 191 where I was originally at 211. My clothes fit better (and in some cases don't fit because they are too big!) and I have energy to do stuff again. I turn the music on more often to grove while I'm doing chores and not worrying if I'm bugging the hubs (I do clear it with him if he's home first). All in all I'm satisfied with what I've done thus far. So to celebrate I baked 2.5 dozen chocolate chip cookies and brought them in for my office. Everyone is really happy to see them on a Friday. And my chocolate chip cookies are the bomb! Heh. I'm proud that while baking them I only ate a little of the dough and only one cookie after they came out of the oven. I've only had 1 cookie this morning. Before I started to change everything I would have eaten half a dozen cookies once they got out of the oven.

So it's taken me almost 4 months to lose 20lbs. I don't know if that's a good pace or not but it's where I am.
Here's whats worked for me thus far:

• I cleaned out 99% of all the BAD stuff from my kitchen and pantry (aka processed foods, pasta, dairy, etc). I gave the 2 boxes of that stuff to my best friend who is a little tight on money so I know it wouldn't go to waste.
• I replaced it with veggies and fruit and lean protien as per the book I'm mostly following for diet (The Natural diet solution for PCOS and infertility)
• I told my husband at the begining I didn't have the will power to not eat the "bad" suff if it was in the house so he supported me not bringing that stuff into the house (and has kept his own stash at work so he wasn't completely deprived)
• I have one offical cheat meal a month. We usually end up going out and we used to go out pretty regularly so this has helped us save money as well.
• I have made going to the gym a habit at least 2x a week. That was the biggest and hardest change. I went from no activity to working out for about 40 minutes 2-3 times a week.
• When I grocery shop I think about what I can take for lunch and snacks since that's where I would eat the most "bad" stuff
• Positive self-talk like "i can do this, i've already done half, the rest will be easy"
• Been open with the people around me that I'm trying to lose weight and I have a "see-food" mentality. If I see it I begin to crave it.

So what do I need to do to meet the next 20lb goal?

• I need to consistantly go three times a week to the gym and I want to incorporate one night of class into it because I think there will be a bigger benefit to me rather than just my cardio, then weights.
• I need to cut down on my non offical cheats. I think by restarting a food journal this will help me cut down some of the caloric intake from all that junk.
• Funnel my bugeted money into saving for other things rather than spending on cheats.
• Continue with the positive self-talk, it does help to motivate. It helps even more when I'm not looking at the timer.

All in all I'm incredibly proud of myself! I'm 1/3 of the way there, only 45 more pounds to go!

TMI but interesting

So I've been taking clomid since Friday night (I forgot last night so took the last pill this morning, only had a minor hot flash) and I've already noticed a change in my cervix and its mucus. My cervix is high and slightly open which is what all the sites say is good for where I am (CD10). I can't wait until my ultra sound to find out if we have a folicle! It will be CD 15 which means I'm gettin lucky that night if we trigger!

Woo!

Recap

I had one of the most productive weekends I've experienced in a long while. Saturday was spent running around looking at houses (we looked from 11am-530pm). Found some great tubs but only one place felt really right. If Z gets his crap together and gets the funds moved around, we could actually have an offer on a house. As a control freak I am really trying to not get pushy on Z for all this. I told him Saturday that if he's serious then he needs to do the leg work and I will make things work schedule wise to help him and of course if he needs help let me know. We spent Saturday night drawing the existing floor plan and making changes to it for a perfect house. I realize that to do house work we would have to have money so I believe I will be soliciting for Lowe's and Home Depot gift cards for awhile. I didn't sleep so well Saturday night because of the excitement/anxiety of house buying.

Sunday Z went to play with his friends leaving me home alone. I like having these days, it means house work gets acomplished! Woo! So I cooked a pork loin in the pressure cooker and jumped in to 2 50gal tubs of my husbands paperwork. I re sorted into trash and shred, while filing the stuff that was important. It's taken me 5 years to get it done. Thank goodness for New Moon dvd and crappy tv movies that made this possible.

So I sit at work on Monday going, crap the new guy starts tomorrow and I start training him. I'm really not going to have alot of time soon. Oh well.

Relief

So the appointment with the RE went very well. At first we were escorted into the exam room but we told the nurse "we're here for a consult not an exam" she then took us to settle into the RE's office. Got a bunch of questions answered and Z seems like he's happy with the outcome. When asked about my weight the doctor said "in general losing weight is a good thing for you. But for this process it's not the big worry factor." He went on to say that since I don't ovulate on my own (and probably haven't ever) and had few periods when I was younger and weighed less that the thing we got to do is get me to ovulate.

We talked about IUI and he says lets try intercourse for a few cycles that you ovulate, because I think it might be premature to go down that path.

So tonight (CD 5) I start Clomid once again. I'm hoping I won't be as crazy. Beyond that I'm giving it up to God.

Nerves

Today is the consult with the RE. This appointment will decide if we go forward with treatments or if we take more time before coming back. My husband is all for taking more time because that could theoretically mean me losing more weight. I'm all for going forward because I don't want to do nothing when I know I have to do something to get pregnant.

I kinda feel like if we don't go forward starting today I may just say "then I'm not going to try to get pregnant anymore" and put the whole baby thing to the side. I know it sounds kind of childish but my thought is I'm not getting any younger and the risks of pregnancy increase with age. Also we're really stable right now and the "can't afford it" isn't valid. We can afford it. I think I would be happier with a definitive path either towards getting pregnant or putting ourselves to a childless existence (which means my niece and nephew are getting SPOLIED by me). I hate the 'well maybe in the future' crap cause it might never happen. We either try now or don't do it at all.

I know if we try now that the path could be a long one ending up childless. And I'm ok with that. I also know that we probably won't get pregnant right away if we do try.


I guess I just need a definitive one way or the other.

Ah the new spot

So today my old blog imploded. I couldn't access it at all. So after about an hour of researching and trying to fix it I decided to nuke it and start over. So that's what this is. The older posts are from the old blog and they are in order (mostly).

On to the other news! After much discussion (read: me convincing Z) we have decided to start up with the IF treatments. Thursday we go back for a consult with the RE we had been working with two years ago so he can release us to the NP who was actually meeting with us to get this sucker going. I have to leave work a touch early to get back to Fremont but hey it's worth it to me.

Husband is concerned since I'm not down to 180 (the weight the doctor said two years ago he would like) that we shouldn't be doing this. And I can see his point but here's the thing, time is moving any slower and why couldn't we try to get pregnant while I still actively try to lose weight? These actions aren't mutually exclusive. I know that by focusing on losing weight I will be better equipped to keep the baby anxiety away. I also have a more realistic expectation of outcome than I did before. I know it is unlikely for things to take in the first cycle and that it could take awhile for the baby magic to happen but by not doing anything I'm not making it happen. I have to do everything I can to know I tried. And right now that's what I'm doing.

Goals March 8-12

I'm feeling very goal oriented this week. So here's the list(sorry it reads like a to-do list):

• Be 190 by Sunday (its only 4 lbs and I think I can do it, if not then by next sunday)
• Hit the gym 5x this week (Mon- Fri)
• Do Meditation after gym
• Do yoga gym 2x per week (there is a yoga class at 6:30 tonight so I'm going to try it out)
• Pack my lunch at least 4x this week
• Clean kitchen and dining room
  
  

PCOS: the game changer

So I thought maybe I should take a moment to discuss my main issue :Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome.



I wasn't diagnosed with this until I was 23 about to get married. But I knew something wasn't right with me for years before that. You see I had my first period when I was 15. That's right 15. I can remember sitting in Chemistry class and feeling something wierd and going 'oh my god im gonna die' not because I didn't know intellectually about periods but because I didn't think that much blood could be a good thing. So when the next month came I was prepared, and nothing happened. Nothing happened for a year, then I got a short period. My mother told me I should be thankful since it means not dealing with all of that monthly. When I was 16 my 13 year old sister got her period for the first time and got it every month. She envyed me and I didn't think about it. When I turned 18 and had only 3 periods under my belt my mom took me to her Gyno. He was an older man who I was not comfortable with. When my mom told him I had only had 3 periods he told us that I was a late bloomer and that if it wasn't regular by the time I was 22 I should come back in. We automatically accepted this because, hey, he's a doctor and we aren't. I enjoyed only getting periods once a year. One year I had two and was completely unnerved by it.



Fast forward to 23. I had just gotten health insurance through my fiancee and he was adamant that I go get everything checked because he knew that was not normal by any means. I walked into the doctors office, a woman this time, and she took me to her office before the exam. Before I could even tell her my history she asked all the right questions and told me that she thought I had PCOS and it would be difficult for me to get pregnant without medical assistance. I was floored. I was about to marry the man I loved and I couldn't guarantee that I would give him a child. I feel in to depression and told him I would understand if he wanted to cancel the engagement because of this. Since he's completely wonderful he refused and told me that he wants me and if we have children it will be icing on the cake or not necessary.



I was thankful for his words but that didn't help me feel any less adequate. I was less of a woman for not menstrating with any kind of regularity. Any PCOS-er will tell you once you get the diagnosis things can go a coupple of ways: Depresson leading eventually to action or action. I would love to say I'm one of the few who were able to bypass depression and jump right into action but I would be lying. I was depressed for a long time, sometimes it seemed I was coming out of it (that was mostly to do with hyper focusing on something else) but I was very unhappy.



In late 2008 things started coming to a head. I was so depressed that everyday it was a battle to get out of bed. Because of work my anxiety levels were sky high. I had a panic attack one day because my boss was going to move my office (for the 5th time that year). I knew I couldn't take anymore so I made an appointment with a psychologist. It wasn't the first time I had gone into therapy but I knew it had helped me before. I sat there and was rather blunt about things and she told me I had an anxiety disorder and I was clinically depressed and they wanted to start me on meds. I hate meds. I hate taking pills and that was not something I wanted to do. But I filled the prescription and brought it home and talked with my husband. I told him my struggle on whether or not to take them and he pointed me in a direction I had not expected. He pointed me to his mother. Apprently after her divorce she was severely depressed and the only way anything got done was when she was on the meds. I called her and talked to her about that time and she told me it gave her the ability to do things when she couldn't find it in herself to get them done. I was already forcing myself to do things so I decided to toss the pills and concentrate on the depression behavior modification classes they signed me up for.



The classes helped. I finally figured out that it was my self talk that was really getting me into the loops of depression. I can now say that I employ all the techniques that class taught me. It even helped with my anxiety. I feel more like myself than I've ever felt. And everyday gets better. That is the point right?

Irony

I had decided to go ahead with the whole cycles for infertility and I got an email from AAA about a European Grand tour. The gods laugh.

Monthly visitor

Yep. Aunt flo just started her visit. I'm on CD 1. And thinking of starting the treatments all over again. Am I crazy?

An attempt to reduce anxiety

About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Depression and an Anxiety disorder. I went through treatment for the depression and read a very good book "The Worry Cure" to work through the anxiety issues. One of the tips that the book recommends is to write down your anxiety and then put it away. Since I don't spend all day looking at my blog this would be a great place to put it down.



My husband Z and I have been actively looking at houses for the past 2 months. Last month it was very clear to me that in order to proceed we really needed to get our preapproval completed. The husband didn't have the same sense of urgency so he didn't get me the paperwork I needed. I am the kind of person who wants things done like yesterday, so I could understand that I might not have the clearest view of all this. Well it's come to bite him in the butt. The house that he really likes is now pending (meaning someone else has offered on that). We couldn't offer because we didn't have a preapproval. Today he's turned in the two things I needed in order to get the paperwork done. Tonight we will fill it out and he will take it and scan it and turn it in to the broker. I feel like we could have gotten the place he liked if he hadn't dropped the ball way back when. I think we are going to put in an offer as well just to confuse things that much more.



This week will be the week of preapprovals. We will apply with Chase, BofA, Wells fargo as well as a broker. So we will know our intrest rate and how much the bank is willing to lend us.



We've been looking at Pre-fab homes and I have to say I'm not really that in to it. If it wasn't in our price range I wouldn't be looking at it. All I can hope for is a nice home to be in our range. I know if its ment to be it will work out. I'm just done with the place we're in right now, ready to move forward.



I had a dream about giving birth to a baby girl and breast feeding her. I think that I'm ready to face another go round. I will ask the hubbs tonight what he thinks about all this.

March Goals

Ok so after thinking about where I came up short in February I'm now ready to make those March goals. So here they are

1. I want to be at 190 by weeks end. This will mean I've lost 21 lbs and 10% of my starting weight. I plan on achieving this goal by eating on diet and hitting the gym 4 days (5 preferred) this week.
   
   
2. Bring my lunch at least 3x a week. If I do this then I am eating more on Diet than not and should see a steady decline of weight.
3. Goal attendance: 3x a week= 15 times this month (so far I've hit it once, I'm going to have to make up for it the next couple of weeks)
4. I need to get back in to doing Meditation on a daily basis. It helps keep down the anxiety and clears my mind. I am going to strive to do this when I get home from the gym, every time.
5. I can't let my house continue to be a disaster area where I have to dedicate an entire day to clean it. Right now my bedroom and my office are very neat, and I will keep it that way. I just need to continue keeping things neat and move in to the other rooms.
   
   
6. I want to get paperwork filed and organized. I hate that I have two huge bins mocking me. This will get done this month. I've blocked 3 weekend days to get it done.

So that's my monthly goals. I think I am going to start with weekly goals as well.

February in review

Going back to my goals I set at the begining of February I want to see how far I've gotten:

• Hit gym at least 12 times (Made it, one week hit it 4 times, last week only twice)
• Lose 10 lbs, putting my weight at 189 (I lost 5 lbs putting me at 194, not bad but I know how to make that go back up)
• Vitamins everyday (I only take them when I'm at work since they are staring at me, gotta figure out how to make that through the weekend)
• Work in garden (planted two rose bushes and a blueberry bush)
• Get seeds germinated (nope, I'm reluctant to since we could be moving when things are starting to fruit)
• Finish reorganization (nope, still have the sitting room and Z's office to go)
• Paperwork organized (nope, haven't even touched it)
• Document money spent (nope, keep leaving the note book behind)
• Save $100 (nope, spent every penny)

So I've hit one major goal and missed the rest. What can I learn from this? Well I make alot of goals for myself in the space of one month. So I'm going to have to think about this tonight and come up with my March goals. Maybe 4/5 goals instead of 9.

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