cd 12

I have been bleeding bright red since 9am. Not sure what is going on. I am very scared/confused. Thank god my clinic is able to take me tomorrow...wtf is goin on in this body, its too soon to have a period and i supposedly have a 13mm follie/cyst. I dont know what to think anymore.

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Broken

Not only did my last cycle not get the elusive BFP but come to find out this morning that I am riddled with cysts. So many in fact my dr thinks they may not go down until the new year.

I had mentally prepared myself to get into another round of I saw them in January that I was pregnant. Now this is not going to happen (unless by some miracle). I am disappointed because i wont have the chance to tell them face to face again (since i avoid flying there with everything i have because its expensive). Maybe it will be better this way. Its just so hard to think positively when i know that tonight i will be facing hy husbands mom and grandma and tell them that once again i am not pregnant.

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aunt flo

Here she is again. Appontment made to start cycle 3 of injections and with it hopefully a bfp at the end.

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another day another vial of blood

I am scheduled to see my favorite nurse practioner at the clinic tomorrow and i emailed her to see if i needed to get some bloodwork done. Of course the answer was yes. So off to the vampires i go. Tomorrow i go and see if the extra 4 days of high dose worked and got me something to trigger. I really hope so, i hope so much that i am going to tak my trigger shot with me.

If we trigger tomorrow that means insemination on wed/thurs. I really want this to work so that way i can tell my parents in person after the new year. I really need this to be my bright spot.

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Current song on my mind

Just Haven't Met You Yet -- Michael Buble`


I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility
And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet
I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet

Checking in

Tuesday check had really good lining (almost 8!) and about 4 follies that are close to 8 as well. So they upped me from 2 vials to 3 and I go back in today for another check.



There has definitely been some "activity" so I wouldn't be suprised if I have maybe one more day to another week of shots then insemination. My appointment is at 3:40pm pst so we will see! *crosses fingers*



If things are good and I do get to move to the next stage I worry about what I will do to keep my 2ww to non crazy levels. Any suggestions?

mobile blogging

Wow can i actually blog and not be tied to a computer?! Awesome.

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Here we go again!

I started my period Sunday night (as predicited) and called in on Monday to set up the next appointment, it was yesterday. We got Bravelle for the second round and rather than doing low and slow (1 vial per day), we have ramped it up (2 vials a day).  She will see me back next Tuesday where we will hopefully have some great growth.

I have so much hope for this cycle. I even asked my magic 8 ball and without any prompting it told me Yes to my question of will this cycle work and end with a live baby. I know that was rather specific but that's how I roll.

Right now I'm getting myself ready for our first housewarming party. I just made the grocery list and am currently making the "what I need to do each day" list. I have a feeling sleeping in on Saturday is so not going to happen!

Distracted

I woke up this morning before my alarm clock (which is rare). I got to enjoy it going off and immediately exiting the bed. I know the progesterone is working because my body temp is HIGH. The last two days I have been so sweaty, one would think I had just come from the gym! If I time this right my period will start right after my 5 year wedding anniversary, which means treatments will start later this month, I could be pregnant before 2011 starts. That is a whole lot of hope right there.

The fun of this week was on Tuesday morning my hubby called and told me that he had a COLD shower and not on purpose. The diagnosis, the water heater was leaking. You would think it would be easy enough to fix. Not so much. We called the Home Warranty people and they sent out a plumber who promptly looked at our water heater and said “We don’t service this model, you’ll need to call someone else”. So we called the warranty people back and they said they would send another plumber. 2 and a half hours go by (at this point its after 5pm) we call the other plumber who tells us that they aren’t coming and told the warranty people. We call the warranty people and sure enough the plumber never called them. At this point because of the leak we have to turn water off to the whole house. That lasted 24 hours before we got another plumber there who will have to check with the manufacturer about our water heater BUT knew a way for us to have water without worrying about the house sinking (the water heater was leaking under the house). So we have running cold water, an improvement but still not so fantastic.

The really nice part is the hubbs got the TV working again! Yay!! Apparently it had broken in multiple parts and only an engineer could fix it. You would think I would have rushed home to watch my dvr, well no I didn’t. I know that when I sit down to watch TV I will have to have a block of time to get through my 29 programs on my dvr, and it will have to be multiple nights. So I feel overwhelmed by what I’ve missed.

On to other things! Two girls at work in another department announced their pregnancy yesterday and I went immediately to “congrats!” rather than the slight hesitation in “I hate you” land. So I’m proud of myself for not taking their pregnancy announcement as a reminder that I’m not.

Today was a great big reminder that it is indeed Fall! I live in the Bay Area which is pretty darn temperate (compared to just about everywhere else) but the Fall crispness was in the air and it reminded me to find my ear muffs because my ears are COLD! I’m not really looking forward to the rains starting but it will make things easier in the long run.

Day 6-8

I had one of my girlfriends up from LA so I didn't have time to keep up with this Meme so today will be day 6,7, & 8.

Day 6 --20 of my favorite things
1) Chai tea latte at starbucks
2) Jeans
3) Facebook
4) San Francisco
5) Traveling (even if its just down to LA)
6) The color Blue
7) The Harry Potter books
8) The Twilight Series
9) Space Balls
10) Gilmore Girls
11) West wing
12) Glee
13) lady Gaga
14) Elton John
15)Justin Timberlake
16) Queen
17) Snuggling on a cooler morning
18) Reading with a cup of hot cocoa
19) My husbands smile
20) My sense of style

Day 7-- A photo that makes me happy

This would be a photo of the beach at sunset. I always feel calm once I see it.

Day 8 -- A phot that makes me sad

This would be a photo of my grandmothers tombstone. I hate remembering that she is under the ground.

Day 5 Favorite Quote

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings totoal obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain" -- Dune


This is what I try to repeat to myself everytime I become afraid. I've been saying it alot lately.

Day 4 favorite Book

I'm sensing a pattern starting to develop here. Again I don't just have 1 favorite book, I have favorite books according to the mood I'm in.  For instance I do <3 the Twilight series and Harry Potter series but I have a few individual books that are good and some general genres I like to read. I love historical fiction, especially about Tudor England, I also love the retellings of Arthurian Legend, and I love retellings of Fairy tales. I have an entire shelf devoted to those. I have about 8 tall bookshelves full of books so I enjoy them a lot!

Day 3 -- Favorite TV program

Well right now my I-will-drive-across-town TV show is Glee. I love that its musical and how they integrate all the songs into the story.

I own Gilmore Girls and West Wing on DVD so I watch them frequently as well. Beyond that I'm an avid TV surfer. I will watch just about anything when I am in the mood for tele.

Day 2-- Favorite movie

I love movies! I have in excess of 100 DVD's and that doesn't count my obcession with NetFlix!  So here are a few of my favorite Movies

To quote: Spaceballs and Monthy Python and the Search for the Holy Grail
To cry over: Steel Magnolias and A walk to Remember
To sing with: Any Disney flick

Day 1-- Favorite song

As a singer my music tastes are very much eclectic. One only needs to look at the tunes on my Ipod to see that. So I don't have one favorite song. I have 49 (or so Itunes tells me). I have Classical, 80's music, POP music, classic rock, musicals, country, and hard rock.

So here's my short list:

To work out to: Starstuck--Lady Gaga
To chill out to: Raindrops- Chopin
Funky: Funky Cold Medina --Tone Loc

Broadway: Schadenfreude -- Avenue Q

Just a few of my favorites.

30 in 30

Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of my favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where I live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - my worst habit
Day 28 - whats in my handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

I am going to try and do this every day for the next 30. Here we go!

Thinking out loud

So what have I been doing since my last cycle failed? Eating whatever I wanted. Based on how my clothes fit (I feel like a sausage) I think I’ve gained everything back and then some. Not really where I want to be but when you eat everything you want and stop working out, that’s what is going to happen. So I’m guessing my failed attempt weight will net me about 30-35 pounds.



What am I going to do about it? Well starting today I’m recording everything I eat and will do that for the next 2 weeks. I will work out at least 6 times in the next two weeks. This week will be a gym that is halfway between work and home but on the BART line and it will be after work. Next week it will be in the morning at the gym up the street from work. My plan is to record my feelings about the gym itself and if time of day worked for me. This is so I can find my new groove. I’m also going to record my steps everyday. I’m hoping to post this here so I can hold myself a bit more accountable.



My other issue is money. I seem to be hemorrhaging it. I get a weekly stipend of $100 from our budget and I usually have it all spent by Wednesday. I know where I spend it. I eat out while in the city during the work week. So I’m going to flip my eating out habit inside out. I’m only going to eat out once a week and give myself only enough cash to do it. My goal is to do this until April and see if I can make it stick. This will help me with the diet as well. Less chance for bad eating if I just don’t carry cash.



Beyond that I’m still taking my Vitamin D supplement so my moods are getting back to stable rather than all over the place. The only thing about taking them is the icky breath and after taste. Can’t have everything right?

Looking forward

The future is this crazy blurry thing to me.  I know there are things I want to accomplish. There are dreams that my husband and I have together. I just don't see how we are going to get there.  He wants to move to a small town way north of Sac and I'm ok with that but only if we have kids. If we do that move we would have to completely change careers and one of us would have to work, and the hubbs doesn't know what career he wants to transition in to.

I guess I'm just anxious because things aren't clear. It's not clear that we will ever be able to have kids, its not clear that we will be able to move and change careers to live in the place he wants to live in, and I just have a hard time accepting that.  I'm not crazy about the idea of moving out of the bay area, it's a place I've been my happiest and my saddest. I know I have some friends who will actually be closer if/when we move but at the same time I just don't want to change everything.

If I could get some guarantee that we would or wouldn't have kids then I could make more desisions and start moving in a clear direction. These cycles are killing my future vision. I must say that infertility really robs you of having an idea of your own future and it stinks!

The dreaded crimson

Got my blood drawn last night for a pregnancy test. This morning I go to the bathroom and AF greets me. I got into the shower and cried. I prayed every night for a BFP and now I know it's not happening. My final confirmation (as if AF wasn't enough) was calling my RE and getting my NP on the phone telling me she was sorry but its negative.

Right now I'm at home in the darkness (as much as one can be in the middle of the day), mourning this latest failure. This weekend will probably be a slight binge in food and maybe a drink or two to numb the pain. Since August and September are my busiest months I will be hyper dieting (back to being a Nazi about my food) and back to the gym 5 days a week. I'm hoping to drop 15 or so pounds before I start again. I may not even try for a cycle for the rest of the year and just keep losing weight instead while I build myself up again for another cycle.

I did everything I could and yet my first ovulation was unsuccessful. Guess I was a dope thinking it could happen for me and my baby would be born on my grandmothers birthday.

I've cried and cleaned. Not sure what else I can do at this point. The blessing is that I have at least a month before I have to see the in-laws and tell them the cycle didn't work out.

Insemination

So Friday afternoon was the insemination. I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't painful.  My poor hubbs told me he never felt more useless. I told him he was there for moral support and he's like "well at least that's something". He's super cute. I got to work and all I could do was browse pregnancy sites (reminding myself of the progression) and start making "plans". I know that this has a higher chance of not working but at the same time I'm dealing with it like it's a done deal.

On Saturday I offered to bake him some cookies and he told me "You are already baking what I want" and put his hand on my tummy.  He's worried that I'm getting too emotionally attached but I can't help myself. And he's worried that the trigger shot didn't work so I didn't ovulate. I'm not worried on that front cause there has been A LOT of action in the lady bits. It also helps that my nipples are on constant erect mode and kinda hurt. I take those as good signs. Such good signs I've told my parents to plan to come out next summer.

When I look at basic biology lessons I realize that implantation could happen between the 19th and 21st.  My NP doesn't want me to take the blood test until the 23rd (which I am so going on the night of the 22nd) and a backup on the 25th.  Right now I'm trying to practice serenity. Reminding myself that everything I can possibly do has already been done. I haven't decided if I am going to POAS or not. Right now I'm leaning towards not but I still have 10 days so we will see how that fluctuates.

holy crap

I went to the doctors just expecting an ultra sound. We found 1 16mm 2 15mm and 1 14mm. She told me that she was going to trigger me this morning and come back tomorrow for IUI. I'm scared, excited, and anxious all wrapped up. My husbands comment was "gee I wish i had known that before we BD this morning"..heheh

My IUI is scheduled for 230p tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers and praying this works.

It will work! It will!

Good news

We have 2 folicles at 13mm and an estridial level of 288. 2 more nights of shots and theoretically I'll be done! That's the theory anyway. *crosses fingers* Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Frustrated

So I'm up to 3 vials a day of the bravelle. As of saturday we had 2 folicles at 10mm, and that was after 2 days of 2 vials. Apparently my body is as stubborn as my mind when it comes to injections. I go in tomorrow to see if either of them have gotten to 13 (which i pray they do so that this cycle could still work). If I don't then this cycle is called and no cycles until the end of September. I really want this cycle to work, please pray for me.

Foli news!

So today is CD 10 and we went in to see what was cooking. Most of my cysts (small foliciles) are slightly larger but we have two 7mm folicles on my right and one 8mm on my left. My NP was estatic and told me that we will just be patient and keep up the shots. We are going in on Saturday to find out what's grown.

I keep telling myself that regardless of what the RE said this one will work! I will ovulate and we will get pregant. So I know there will be at least 3 more nights of shots and I can be ok with that.

*crosses fingers* This will work. I know it will.

A little of this and a little of that

I've had 5 shots and given them to myself! I'm quite proud that I'm doing it and haven't bruised or starting spurting blood. The next thought following that is Holy crap I must be doing it wrong!  ^_^  Side effects so far have been minimal. Beyond my libido rising (which no one in my house has any complaints) I've felt surprisingly normal. Wednesday is my follow up ultrasound and we will see what's going on. I keep hoping that there is some growth in the follicles and in the lining.

On to the next, the house!  On Sunday we built a media center (thanks to various pieces at IKEA, we <3 them!) and I managed to unpack the biggest box for the living room so it was a relief.  All that is left in the house is the dining room/incoming bills desk and for my husband to finish his room (God only knows when that will be done). My office is done and I even have pictures on the walls in there.  Tomorrow afternoon my mother in law is coming over with some things for us that we've had in storage for years. So I've been busing my butt to make sure everything is together for their visit (even though I'm not sure at this point if I will even be home to see them). So this means if I can keep up this pace by the end of the month I will be completely unpacked and ready to start the housewarming parties.

On to housewarming parties! I'm planning on having multiple since visitor parking is so limited here. I figure I'll have 2 a month in July & August so it gets the whole group of people over. One will be a dinner for my best friend and her parents, one will be my coworkers, one will be my friends from sacto and old job, and I think I will have to do two for zac's friends and a separate one for the family. So I'm going to do some in September too! Hahaha I just realized its going to take me three months of parties to get everyone I want to come over and see my place.  That's hilarious! In between all that we have a cousin party, 4th of July parade, visit to fort bragg, and the hubbs is going on a camping trip for a week. Geeze no wonder I'm tired!

I just scheduled the last day for water and power for the old place and I'm a little sad but mostly happy that I've just about fulfilled my obligation for that place. I can't wait to turn the keys in and not have to think about it anymore.

Work is starting to ramp up and I just know this summer will be a special kind of crazy. So far I'm looking pretty good number wise (since we're a bit number driven) which is good.  My annual review is August 20th and I'm expecting a nice pay raise and possibly a title inflation but we will see.

Weight wise I'm up to 191 (as of last Tuesday) so I'm trying to get back in to the habit of going to the gym which is difficult because the most convenient one is either here in SF up the street and then I have to deal with later bart trains which will be FULL or I have to get off and go to the Gym at BayFair and its far from the station and all the reviews are like "this place sucks" so I'm not sure where to go. I may just skip today and go after the MIL comes and goes so that way I can get more done.

Overall I'm happy and pretty healthy. And that's enough for me.

I love my fertillity clinic

I started my period this afternoon (which was a day late, thanks so much for not sticking to the plan!) and I called my clinic in a semi-panic because I have tomorrow off and I have to get seen then or else I have to skip this cycle due to scheduling conflicts. The NP who schedules the appointments isn't answering, of course. So I leave a calm message (totally acting!) and asked her to give me a call asap. She calls me within 15 min and we have a bit of a chat before I get in to the reasons why I have to be seen tomorrow and she says "No problem lets see what's still open". No spots for my favorite RE or NP but someone new and she says she will most likely have a cancelation so I should call early tomorrow to get that spot. They are just amazing I tell ya! I also got a written letter from my favorite NP telling me how sorry she was the last Preg test was a negative. That really touched me that someone who is so incredibly busy took the moment to sent me a note.

So I get to learn how to give myself injections tomorrow and I already have the happy day dreams of being pregnant at my cousins wedding in January (although its 7 months away and I'd spend the day flying to the east coast).

I have no basis for this but I just feel really really lucky right now. Maybe this is it. *crosses fingers*

time slipping by

Gosh it's been awhile since I've been posting. Looking back on the past few weeks I realize why. I've been going non stop! I've had a wedding in Sacramento, had to visit my adopted grandma in LA, and this weekend I'm moving into our new house! Yes escrow finally closed.  I have about 90% of the house (that I am responsible for) packed and am trying to get everything done before my MIL shows up on Saturday. 

Cycle wise we got the negative on the Pregnancy test this morning. I'm not suprised but I am rather proud of how I didn't get my hopes up too high on this one.  So I'm currently trying to time my CD3 to be June 15th since I have the day off so I think I need to stop taking the progesterone on the 9th since it takes 3 days for me to get my cycle after stopping.

Going crazy

Every day when I open up my browser I stare at the blogger update and think to myself I should really update but everything is pretty boring. Boring meaning I'm still losing weight (albiet slowly), I am packing up my house and getting ready for the crazy of the next few weeks.  This week is preparing for my adopted sisters wedding (and bachelorette party, I'm doing all the food) and hopefully signing all the paperwork for the new house, Next week is preping for the Move (I have the whole kitchen, dining room, misc my office, misc, living room, and my hubs office left to pack) and getting ready for a short trip down to LA to see my adopted grandmother. The week after that is packing in HIGH gear and then moving on the 5th.

I'm really looking forward to the new diggs but really not liking the packing and unpacking process.

In cycle news I am waiting until the 1st to get my negative pregancy test. The second will be the start of progesterone and I should have my period somewhere on my birthday week (I'm shooting for the husbands bday to be my CD 3 since I already have the day off). Then we start the injections! woo.

May already?

Well the cycle of 150mg of Clomid is a fail. Today was another ultrasound and again everything got larger not just one folicle. I'm not suprised but at the same time I'm kinda sad on it. I have to get a beta test on June 1st to confirm nothing happened but hey whatever.

Things with the house are progressing. We have our final interview with the HOA to get all the rules and everything next monday.  Which should be the day we write our hefty check for the down payment and closing costs. We are aiming for a June 5th move and I am going to do everything I can to make that happen because I do not want to be doing injections in between places.

I'm on a weight yo-yo currently and I know exactly why. I've barely been

checking in

So everything is ramping up here at work and in my personal life.  I'm getting ready to move (as we are offically in escrow today) which is stressful but I've not packed anything.  I'm also kinda swimming along on this cycle, my next ultra sound is saturday and I'm hoping for two opposite things. I'm hoping for either no growth at all (which i doubt because the left side has been feeling heavy) and I'm hoping for one good mature one.

I can't believe that when/if this cycle is over that I'm taking a 5-6 month break to focus more on weight loss. I figure I should be able to drop another 20-30 lbs over that time period so I will be in the normal range. I am suprised to see that if I just lose 20lbs I will be in normal range.

lately I've been feeling really tired. I chalk this up to stress and not going to the gym. I've only gone once a week for the past two weeks, which kicks my butt. I'm going to have to figure out my gym situation with this move. I'm not looking forward to that.

Feeling Blah

Sorry the recent posts have been so short. I've not been in much of talking mood. I'm feeling rather blah and I don't know why.  We find out today if the people took the offer on the house and I'm excited about having my own place but not so excited about the whole packing up and moving thing. Especially since the husband promises to help this time. I do look forward to not having the actuall moving part and directing to where the boxes go.

Tonight I get to see a good friend from High school and I'm excited about that.

As for this cycle, I'm not really too keen on it. I really see it as a wasted cycle since I don't think the Clomid will get any folicle to mature at this point.  It also means that when this cycle is over I will not start injections until October. I'm waiting that long because Summer is my busiest season with work and I don't think I could deal with all of that and the injections at the same time without a nuclear explosion towards someone. I swear I'm doing this for everyone's safety.

CD2

AF decided to visit yesterday afternoon and so that means tomorrow I have an appointment with Wandy. I'm over joyed can't you tell?

An offer made

Now the wait begins. When will we know if we are getting the place? Who knows. Here's to patience and my pursuit of it.

Weekend update

Ah the joys of Monday morning. Makes me really appreciate the weekend I just had. To recap:

Friday both hubby and I stayed home from work for a reconnect day. We've been fairly short with each other recently (yay stress) and we wanted to spend time just being together. So we went out to lunch, ran some errands, and transplanted our seeds into a halved wine barrel to start our garden.  All in all it was an incredibly lovely day and really makes me remember how much I love him and how awesome it is to just be the two of us.

Saturday we hung out more but I went off on a little shopping trip on my own.  I bought 2 new pairs of shoes (I actually found a pair of navy flats that don't make me want to gag) and a pair of new pants. I also hit my favorite place, Half-Priced books and got 4 new novels to read (I'm already down to 2 left to read).


Sunday was a bit of cleaning and getting things ready to move. I've started getting things together and trying to figure out how I'm going to pack everything if our escrow is only 30 days and we have a crazy May coming up. Thank goodness the hubs thinks we can swing paying rent for an extra month so we are not in so much of a hurry. I also spent part of the day watching him play Prince of Persia on our PS2. I love pointing out to him what he needs to do and that game is totally puzzle based. He took me out for a late afternoon lunch and we spent the evening doing chores.

All in all a good weekend for everyone.

BFN

As was expected now just waiting for AF.

waiting on the beta

Got the blood drawn today and I won't know until tomorrow if I'm pregnant or not. I'm erring on the side of not. Better not to get the hopes dashed.

Choices

So last night after in depth discussion with my husband and my best friend we've decided to do one last round of Clomid before starting injectables.

So tomorrow is the blood pregnancy test and results on Friday. I don't expect to be pregnant since I'm having lower back pain and cramps. Not to mention no pregnancy symptoms at all.

Wish me luck.

Choices

So I got an email back from my Nurse practioner at the RE clinic (I work primarily with her and have an RE overseeing everything, which I actually prefer this way. Also woo hoo for email from a doctor, that's a WIN Kaiser!).  She told me I had a choice
1) Do one more round of Clomid at 150mg and see what that does
or
2) Start doing the "low and slow" part of injectables. Bravelle 75 international units. Means more monitoring and more missed work time. Which means as we head into high season here at the office, more grumpy people and longer days with shorter breaks at my desk.

The pills are easy, I just take em for 5 days and go in for 2-3 wandings.

The injections are not. I could need them for upto 12 days and thats with blood work either every other or every third day.

I'm not really sure what to do on this one. I mean if i do one more round of pills it could take (lucky clomid cycle #3) and if it doesn't then we know for sure that injectables are the way to go. If I move on to injectables things could work or not. I need advice and would appreciate any input.

Lovely weekend

My weekend was so wonderful I thought I would share although it didn't get off to the greatest start.  Sautrday morning we got up on the earlier side (around 7:30am instead of 8 or 9) and we needed to print off the accessors maps so we could go look at the property.  Of course this is when the HP decides to be a big ol pain. It caused a bit of friction between the hubs and myself because we weren't using our words and we were grumpy.  Then we drove out to where the land was and its completely inaccessable (unless we put down our own road) and is a hill, no space to build on so that killed that. At least I got a good walk in and some hiking.  Then the hubs took me home so I could change shoes and I ran off to get my hair cut.  My hair person decides to wash and straighten my hair (incredibly joyus since my hair is so damn curly I can't straighten it on my own). Of course that means I was about 10 minutes late to tea with my girl friend from high school.  We had a love tea with little sandwhiches and sweets. Then we had time to kill until her husband was done playing golf and the four of us went to dinner, so we did what we usually do, found a mall and started wandering around.  She helped me look in every shoe store in the Great Mall (which there are many) for Navy blue dress shoes.

To digress for a moment: I'm a bridesmaid in a good friends wedding, our dress color is Navy blue (which I will look stunning in) BUT she wants us to have navy shoes and I refuse to get shoes dyed (last time my feet were the shoe color for a week, no thanks). I've spent 3 months looking for a pair of shoes that aren't stripper shoes or loafers to no avail. I'm about to buy a pair of regular blue shoes (or the pair I saw of Christian Sorianos at payless) and call it a day. The wedding is next month so I don't have a lot of options left.

Moving on. We get her husband and go to the hotel (since its in the next town over and its silly to run me home so I can herd the hubbs or so I thought) and I shoot the husband a text when we are on our way to the restaurant so he can meet us there. We get there and he is no where to be found. I call him up and he was confused but told me he'd be there in 15 min. Then we had a lovely dinner. This was the first time I'd spent more than 5 minutes with my friends husband so I was happy that he's a really nice guy. After stuffing myself on risotto and custard we all head our own ways.

Sunday the hubs had plans to go play with friends in sac so I had scheduled a lunch with my girl Jen. I hadn't seen Jen since I left davis 6 years ago.  She brought her youngest son (who is about 4 months) and I got to have baby time. It wasn't hard even though the little guy was a bit grouchy. So we had a lovely lunch and played a bit with the baby and then she went home and I went back to regularly scheduled chores, which I did not feel like doing at all. So I did very little.

I don't have anything specific to look forward to this weekend so who knows what trouble I will get into.

Communication

Last night when I got home the husband and I talked about the ultra sound and what was coming up next. I was feeling particularly put out because when I get bad news I want to eat out at a restaurant and he didn't want to do that.

He told me he was kinda sad and disappointed that this cycle didn't work and that he was worried about me since I had been so hopeful about this cycle. This is the first time he ever expressed any emotion over our cycle beyond worry that I was too overweight for things to work out right.  I was touched and I told him that I live in this world where it's reality vs fantasy and really told him how I dream about everything. He wanted to know if I wanted to slow things down and wait on the injectables so I can lose more weight. I told him that I didn't want to slow things down I wanted to keep going because losing the weight and becoming pregnant aren't goals that have to be gone after seperately. We're still up in the air as to wether we want to try IUI or just do a round with timed intercourse. Any advice on that?

Right now I'm ok or at least that's what I'm telling myself. It helps that we are very much looking at the future and setting up an actual house for ourselves and at this point even though we don't have enough information we are moving ahead. I really want the build to work. I want the house and the basement and it to be all new and to our specifications. I think its a risk we can handle.

Cd25

Well we had another ultra sound. The biggest folicle was 5.5 and it looks like all the cysts got bigger. So they are calling this cycle as over and we are done with the clomid and possibly moving on to the injectables.

I have to do a pregnancy test on April 15th just to be sure, I call in on the 16th get my results and then start the provera. By then i will know what injectables I will be doing.

So how am I feeling? Well I'm a bit sad that it appears this cycle is over however I know that this doesn't always happen at first. I'm not really looking forward to injecting myself but if we do that then maybe I will go back to acupunture. I guess I'm just Ok, not upset but not happy either. I suppose its the perfect medium.

Ready for tomorrow

I'm ready to sleep in an extra hour.
I'm ready to have a shorter work day.
I'm REALLY ready to know what the heck is goin on in ladyville.

Today I'm crampy off an on and I have no gage for what this is, it feels soo completely different than anything I've felt previously. When I had the cyst it hurt to lay on my tummy and felt heavy. This time I feel like a poked bruise. Tender, slightly painful and all too aware of it. Did I also mention the lack of consentration? The thought that I am going to fall asleep at my desk with no help?

Yes I am ready for tomorrow, for tomorrow there will be answers (hopefully).

Fantasy vs Reality

Any IFer knows there are two places you have a foot on at any given time: Fantasy and Reality.

Anything can spin you off into the relm of Fantasy and try as you might Reality comes crashing in. Here's my story from yesterday.

I went to the bathroom yesterday and there was some blood. What was my immediate thought: Implantation bleeding! Yes I went to that OMG BABY!!!!! It doesn't matter that I don't know if I ovulated, it was CD22 and in a "normal" cycle implantation could theoretically take place around this. Then the fantasy of going in for my ultrasound on Thursday to "hrm whats that in your uterus, OMG get this girl a pregnancy test stat" (cause in my fantasys all doctor lingo comes from Greys Anatomy). And the thing is that it could theoretically be possible. My cervix was high and soft around cd 12 and the mucus was perfect (btw I hate checking for mucus, I always feel like I need to buy my Vag a drink before I do it).

But the reality is that most likely Ovulation didn't occur and this was just spotting.

I prefer the fantasy don't you?

Easter Weekend

I had a lovely weekend with the family. I spent lots of time playing with my adorable 3 year old nephew and holding my 3 month old niece. It was fun to watch my nephew and husband run around and play with fake swords and axes (my husband was teaching my nephew proper axe moves, brilliant right?)

I even got in my viewing of Easter Parade! I got up and the husband was in the shower and the mother-in-law was still asleep. This means I get to choose anything off the whole DirectTV list! I'm obessed with TV and we only have basic cable so I was like a kid in a candy store until I saw Easter Parade on the list, of course I turned it on. My husband comes out to the living room and says "gah not this again!" I laughed.

We drove home earlier in the day than normal getting home at 5pm rather our usual 8pm because it was raining and crazy windy. I could feel the wind pushing at the car as we crossed over the benicia bridge. It gives me shivers just to think about that. Us getting home that early gave us a chance to "practice". I must say he is very sweet. He got me a pillow, book, glass of water and tissues so I could be elevated for at least a half hour and not get bored. I swear BD is getting better now that we're back on treatments, or maybe its just I actually have the urge to once again where before I did not. Food for thought.

a great read for any IF

http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2010/03/four-children-four-questions-more.html

Random ramblings

Firstly let me say welcome to my new followers! I hope my little blog doesn't bore you completely. I'm still relatively new at this so I am learning on how to do things so bear with me.

My anxiety level is slowly starting to ramp up since tomorrow is yet another date with wandy. I really have mixed feeling on this. I want growth, growth in folicles is very good, but fear there will not be enough growth and that will mean another week of waiting to see. I'd almost rather call this one as not working so we can move forward and start on the next since it doesn't ever work out on the first time, right? I will be interested to see if I've lost any weight this week. I've not hit the gym particularly hard so I really doubt it but I'm curious none the less.

Also last night the hubbs and I were up late (for me) talking about buying. Here's where we are at. There's a nice pre-fab home in a mobile home park in Hayward (a nice part but still, hayward ick) that we can absolutely afford and it won't break us at all. In fact we'd be saving money doing that and wouldn't have to have anything done to the place as it is pristine. Our other option is to wait for the house we liked to come back on the market after being foreclosed. This could be months. The bank that owns it could put it out there for more than we can afford. And if we did somehow manage to get it at $300k it would be penny pinching time for years, and it needs alot of work to make it into what we invision. But it has a yard and will most likely appreciate. I just don't know which wagon to jump in on this one.

I need to remind myself that we aren't in a hurry. We do have the time to wait and really get what we want. Maybe the best course of action is none at all.

Blog Hop!!

So I read quite a few IF blogs since it passes the time at work when there isn't anything to do and its great to find out I'm not the only one with issues.

So a lovely lady at Busted Plumbinghttp://www.bustedplumbing.com/2010/04/infertility-blog-hop-participation.html is encouraging people to share and read the other blogs out there to give support on this holiday weekend.

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Easter is one of those times I feel very sad and yet not. Every year at Easter time I would watch Easter Parade (ya know Judy Garland? Fred Astaire?) to be with my grandmother vicariously (she lived 3000 miles away and this was her favorite movie). After she died Easter was just completely crappy for me. It was too near her birthday and all I would be able to think about was her. When I got married Easter was such a big family holiday that I came up with reasons not to go. It was worse as all the cousins his age started spawning. I just didn't want to be around babys when I knew I couldn't have one. I couldn't just seperate it into being happy for someone else.

Then my SIL had her first child. It has taken me almost 3 years to get to the point where I was not completely hurt everytime I saw that child. I love my nephew and look forward to playing with him more over the weekend.

I'm finally able to put the proper space between people having kids and me not having kids. Although it would be better this weekend if my folicles showed some growth (but I'm not holding out alot of hope there).

The housing issue

So right now the Hubbs and I live in a cute older house (which has MANY quirks). We rent and it's finally starting to dawn on us that we need to "not be throwing money away". I am all for that. So we've been house hunting for almost three months. We've looked at single family homes, pre-fab homes in mobile parks, and lastly a lot in a small town that we would have to build on.

I really like looking to see the different floor plans and how things can work out for us. I'm just a little tired of the "can we actually afford this?" "do I like this" dances.

I just want some resolution already!

I really like the idea of buying a lot and putting a house on it. I think it would be a win all the way around. I'd get to have what I want in the house and the Hubbs could have the location he wants.

I really just need to leave it upstairs with Coach.

CD 15 and ultrasound

Today was the check back ultra sound to see if there were any folicles that were mature and to see if there was a trigger shot for me today.

The good:
1) My weight on the scale was 191.2 (which since I was in work clothes I can subtract 3 lbs and be under 190 for the first time in 6 years)
2) Our RE-NP (reproductive endocrinologist nurse practitioner) remembered us from a year ago and was happy to see us back in.

The bad:
1) The biggest folicle was measuring at a 7.7cm, no where near the needed 20 cm to be mature and to trigger
2) My uterine lining was very slim, about 5.5cm

The ugly:
1) I have to go back on Saturday to see if there is any change. If not then we will probably start progesterone and we will move on to cycle number 2 for 2010

20 lbs down!

So I weighed myself on the Wii (yay Wii Fit plus!) and subtracting my clothes I have officially hit my first weight loss goal! I'm at 191 where I was originally at 211. My clothes fit better (and in some cases don't fit because they are too big!) and I have energy to do stuff again. I turn the music on more often to grove while I'm doing chores and not worrying if I'm bugging the hubs (I do clear it with him if he's home first). All in all I'm satisfied with what I've done thus far. So to celebrate I baked 2.5 dozen chocolate chip cookies and brought them in for my office. Everyone is really happy to see them on a Friday. And my chocolate chip cookies are the bomb! Heh. I'm proud that while baking them I only ate a little of the dough and only one cookie after they came out of the oven. I've only had 1 cookie this morning. Before I started to change everything I would have eaten half a dozen cookies once they got out of the oven.

So it's taken me almost 4 months to lose 20lbs. I don't know if that's a good pace or not but it's where I am.
Here's whats worked for me thus far:

• I cleaned out 99% of all the BAD stuff from my kitchen and pantry (aka processed foods, pasta, dairy, etc). I gave the 2 boxes of that stuff to my best friend who is a little tight on money so I know it wouldn't go to waste.
• I replaced it with veggies and fruit and lean protien as per the book I'm mostly following for diet (The Natural diet solution for PCOS and infertility)
• I told my husband at the begining I didn't have the will power to not eat the "bad" suff if it was in the house so he supported me not bringing that stuff into the house (and has kept his own stash at work so he wasn't completely deprived)
• I have one offical cheat meal a month. We usually end up going out and we used to go out pretty regularly so this has helped us save money as well.
• I have made going to the gym a habit at least 2x a week. That was the biggest and hardest change. I went from no activity to working out for about 40 minutes 2-3 times a week.
• When I grocery shop I think about what I can take for lunch and snacks since that's where I would eat the most "bad" stuff
• Positive self-talk like "i can do this, i've already done half, the rest will be easy"
• Been open with the people around me that I'm trying to lose weight and I have a "see-food" mentality. If I see it I begin to crave it.

So what do I need to do to meet the next 20lb goal?

• I need to consistantly go three times a week to the gym and I want to incorporate one night of class into it because I think there will be a bigger benefit to me rather than just my cardio, then weights.
• I need to cut down on my non offical cheats. I think by restarting a food journal this will help me cut down some of the caloric intake from all that junk.
• Funnel my bugeted money into saving for other things rather than spending on cheats.
• Continue with the positive self-talk, it does help to motivate. It helps even more when I'm not looking at the timer.

All in all I'm incredibly proud of myself! I'm 1/3 of the way there, only 45 more pounds to go!

TMI but interesting

So I've been taking clomid since Friday night (I forgot last night so took the last pill this morning, only had a minor hot flash) and I've already noticed a change in my cervix and its mucus. My cervix is high and slightly open which is what all the sites say is good for where I am (CD10). I can't wait until my ultra sound to find out if we have a folicle! It will be CD 15 which means I'm gettin lucky that night if we trigger!

Woo!

Recap

I had one of the most productive weekends I've experienced in a long while. Saturday was spent running around looking at houses (we looked from 11am-530pm). Found some great tubs but only one place felt really right. If Z gets his crap together and gets the funds moved around, we could actually have an offer on a house. As a control freak I am really trying to not get pushy on Z for all this. I told him Saturday that if he's serious then he needs to do the leg work and I will make things work schedule wise to help him and of course if he needs help let me know. We spent Saturday night drawing the existing floor plan and making changes to it for a perfect house. I realize that to do house work we would have to have money so I believe I will be soliciting for Lowe's and Home Depot gift cards for awhile. I didn't sleep so well Saturday night because of the excitement/anxiety of house buying.

Sunday Z went to play with his friends leaving me home alone. I like having these days, it means house work gets acomplished! Woo! So I cooked a pork loin in the pressure cooker and jumped in to 2 50gal tubs of my husbands paperwork. I re sorted into trash and shred, while filing the stuff that was important. It's taken me 5 years to get it done. Thank goodness for New Moon dvd and crappy tv movies that made this possible.

So I sit at work on Monday going, crap the new guy starts tomorrow and I start training him. I'm really not going to have alot of time soon. Oh well.

Relief

So the appointment with the RE went very well. At first we were escorted into the exam room but we told the nurse "we're here for a consult not an exam" she then took us to settle into the RE's office. Got a bunch of questions answered and Z seems like he's happy with the outcome. When asked about my weight the doctor said "in general losing weight is a good thing for you. But for this process it's not the big worry factor." He went on to say that since I don't ovulate on my own (and probably haven't ever) and had few periods when I was younger and weighed less that the thing we got to do is get me to ovulate.

We talked about IUI and he says lets try intercourse for a few cycles that you ovulate, because I think it might be premature to go down that path.

So tonight (CD 5) I start Clomid once again. I'm hoping I won't be as crazy. Beyond that I'm giving it up to God.

Nerves

Today is the consult with the RE. This appointment will decide if we go forward with treatments or if we take more time before coming back. My husband is all for taking more time because that could theoretically mean me losing more weight. I'm all for going forward because I don't want to do nothing when I know I have to do something to get pregnant.

I kinda feel like if we don't go forward starting today I may just say "then I'm not going to try to get pregnant anymore" and put the whole baby thing to the side. I know it sounds kind of childish but my thought is I'm not getting any younger and the risks of pregnancy increase with age. Also we're really stable right now and the "can't afford it" isn't valid. We can afford it. I think I would be happier with a definitive path either towards getting pregnant or putting ourselves to a childless existence (which means my niece and nephew are getting SPOLIED by me). I hate the 'well maybe in the future' crap cause it might never happen. We either try now or don't do it at all.

I know if we try now that the path could be a long one ending up childless. And I'm ok with that. I also know that we probably won't get pregnant right away if we do try.


I guess I just need a definitive one way or the other.

Ah the new spot

So today my old blog imploded. I couldn't access it at all. So after about an hour of researching and trying to fix it I decided to nuke it and start over. So that's what this is. The older posts are from the old blog and they are in order (mostly).

On to the other news! After much discussion (read: me convincing Z) we have decided to start up with the IF treatments. Thursday we go back for a consult with the RE we had been working with two years ago so he can release us to the NP who was actually meeting with us to get this sucker going. I have to leave work a touch early to get back to Fremont but hey it's worth it to me.

Husband is concerned since I'm not down to 180 (the weight the doctor said two years ago he would like) that we shouldn't be doing this. And I can see his point but here's the thing, time is moving any slower and why couldn't we try to get pregnant while I still actively try to lose weight? These actions aren't mutually exclusive. I know that by focusing on losing weight I will be better equipped to keep the baby anxiety away. I also have a more realistic expectation of outcome than I did before. I know it is unlikely for things to take in the first cycle and that it could take awhile for the baby magic to happen but by not doing anything I'm not making it happen. I have to do everything I can to know I tried. And right now that's what I'm doing.

Goals March 8-12

I'm feeling very goal oriented this week. So here's the list(sorry it reads like a to-do list):

• Be 190 by Sunday (its only 4 lbs and I think I can do it, if not then by next sunday)
• Hit the gym 5x this week (Mon- Fri)
• Do Meditation after gym
• Do yoga gym 2x per week (there is a yoga class at 6:30 tonight so I'm going to try it out)
• Pack my lunch at least 4x this week
• Clean kitchen and dining room
  
  

PCOS: the game changer

So I thought maybe I should take a moment to discuss my main issue :Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome.



I wasn't diagnosed with this until I was 23 about to get married. But I knew something wasn't right with me for years before that. You see I had my first period when I was 15. That's right 15. I can remember sitting in Chemistry class and feeling something wierd and going 'oh my god im gonna die' not because I didn't know intellectually about periods but because I didn't think that much blood could be a good thing. So when the next month came I was prepared, and nothing happened. Nothing happened for a year, then I got a short period. My mother told me I should be thankful since it means not dealing with all of that monthly. When I was 16 my 13 year old sister got her period for the first time and got it every month. She envyed me and I didn't think about it. When I turned 18 and had only 3 periods under my belt my mom took me to her Gyno. He was an older man who I was not comfortable with. When my mom told him I had only had 3 periods he told us that I was a late bloomer and that if it wasn't regular by the time I was 22 I should come back in. We automatically accepted this because, hey, he's a doctor and we aren't. I enjoyed only getting periods once a year. One year I had two and was completely unnerved by it.



Fast forward to 23. I had just gotten health insurance through my fiancee and he was adamant that I go get everything checked because he knew that was not normal by any means. I walked into the doctors office, a woman this time, and she took me to her office before the exam. Before I could even tell her my history she asked all the right questions and told me that she thought I had PCOS and it would be difficult for me to get pregnant without medical assistance. I was floored. I was about to marry the man I loved and I couldn't guarantee that I would give him a child. I feel in to depression and told him I would understand if he wanted to cancel the engagement because of this. Since he's completely wonderful he refused and told me that he wants me and if we have children it will be icing on the cake or not necessary.



I was thankful for his words but that didn't help me feel any less adequate. I was less of a woman for not menstrating with any kind of regularity. Any PCOS-er will tell you once you get the diagnosis things can go a coupple of ways: Depresson leading eventually to action or action. I would love to say I'm one of the few who were able to bypass depression and jump right into action but I would be lying. I was depressed for a long time, sometimes it seemed I was coming out of it (that was mostly to do with hyper focusing on something else) but I was very unhappy.



In late 2008 things started coming to a head. I was so depressed that everyday it was a battle to get out of bed. Because of work my anxiety levels were sky high. I had a panic attack one day because my boss was going to move my office (for the 5th time that year). I knew I couldn't take anymore so I made an appointment with a psychologist. It wasn't the first time I had gone into therapy but I knew it had helped me before. I sat there and was rather blunt about things and she told me I had an anxiety disorder and I was clinically depressed and they wanted to start me on meds. I hate meds. I hate taking pills and that was not something I wanted to do. But I filled the prescription and brought it home and talked with my husband. I told him my struggle on whether or not to take them and he pointed me in a direction I had not expected. He pointed me to his mother. Apprently after her divorce she was severely depressed and the only way anything got done was when she was on the meds. I called her and talked to her about that time and she told me it gave her the ability to do things when she couldn't find it in herself to get them done. I was already forcing myself to do things so I decided to toss the pills and concentrate on the depression behavior modification classes they signed me up for.



The classes helped. I finally figured out that it was my self talk that was really getting me into the loops of depression. I can now say that I employ all the techniques that class taught me. It even helped with my anxiety. I feel more like myself than I've ever felt. And everyday gets better. That is the point right?

Irony

I had decided to go ahead with the whole cycles for infertility and I got an email from AAA about a European Grand tour. The gods laugh.

Monthly visitor

Yep. Aunt flo just started her visit. I'm on CD 1. And thinking of starting the treatments all over again. Am I crazy?

An attempt to reduce anxiety

About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with Depression and an Anxiety disorder. I went through treatment for the depression and read a very good book "The Worry Cure" to work through the anxiety issues. One of the tips that the book recommends is to write down your anxiety and then put it away. Since I don't spend all day looking at my blog this would be a great place to put it down.



My husband Z and I have been actively looking at houses for the past 2 months. Last month it was very clear to me that in order to proceed we really needed to get our preapproval completed. The husband didn't have the same sense of urgency so he didn't get me the paperwork I needed. I am the kind of person who wants things done like yesterday, so I could understand that I might not have the clearest view of all this. Well it's come to bite him in the butt. The house that he really likes is now pending (meaning someone else has offered on that). We couldn't offer because we didn't have a preapproval. Today he's turned in the two things I needed in order to get the paperwork done. Tonight we will fill it out and he will take it and scan it and turn it in to the broker. I feel like we could have gotten the place he liked if he hadn't dropped the ball way back when. I think we are going to put in an offer as well just to confuse things that much more.



This week will be the week of preapprovals. We will apply with Chase, BofA, Wells fargo as well as a broker. So we will know our intrest rate and how much the bank is willing to lend us.



We've been looking at Pre-fab homes and I have to say I'm not really that in to it. If it wasn't in our price range I wouldn't be looking at it. All I can hope for is a nice home to be in our range. I know if its ment to be it will work out. I'm just done with the place we're in right now, ready to move forward.



I had a dream about giving birth to a baby girl and breast feeding her. I think that I'm ready to face another go round. I will ask the hubbs tonight what he thinks about all this.

March Goals

Ok so after thinking about where I came up short in February I'm now ready to make those March goals. So here they are

1. I want to be at 190 by weeks end. This will mean I've lost 21 lbs and 10% of my starting weight. I plan on achieving this goal by eating on diet and hitting the gym 4 days (5 preferred) this week.
   
   
2. Bring my lunch at least 3x a week. If I do this then I am eating more on Diet than not and should see a steady decline of weight.
3. Goal attendance: 3x a week= 15 times this month (so far I've hit it once, I'm going to have to make up for it the next couple of weeks)
4. I need to get back in to doing Meditation on a daily basis. It helps keep down the anxiety and clears my mind. I am going to strive to do this when I get home from the gym, every time.
5. I can't let my house continue to be a disaster area where I have to dedicate an entire day to clean it. Right now my bedroom and my office are very neat, and I will keep it that way. I just need to continue keeping things neat and move in to the other rooms.
   
   
6. I want to get paperwork filed and organized. I hate that I have two huge bins mocking me. This will get done this month. I've blocked 3 weekend days to get it done.

So that's my monthly goals. I think I am going to start with weekly goals as well.

February in review

Going back to my goals I set at the begining of February I want to see how far I've gotten:

• Hit gym at least 12 times (Made it, one week hit it 4 times, last week only twice)
• Lose 10 lbs, putting my weight at 189 (I lost 5 lbs putting me at 194, not bad but I know how to make that go back up)
• Vitamins everyday (I only take them when I'm at work since they are staring at me, gotta figure out how to make that through the weekend)
• Work in garden (planted two rose bushes and a blueberry bush)
• Get seeds germinated (nope, I'm reluctant to since we could be moving when things are starting to fruit)
• Finish reorganization (nope, still have the sitting room and Z's office to go)
• Paperwork organized (nope, haven't even touched it)
• Document money spent (nope, keep leaving the note book behind)
• Save $100 (nope, spent every penny)

So I've hit one major goal and missed the rest. What can I learn from this? Well I make alot of goals for myself in the space of one month. So I'm going to have to think about this tonight and come up with my March goals. Maybe 4/5 goals instead of 9.

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Oh my...

So we've offically canned the house I fell in love with. It was falling down the hill and had major foundation issues. So we are back to square one.



This weekend I went to Pismo Beach (and the Madonna Inn--I LOVE their cake, so much that I spent $20 on 3 slices of different cakes). My best friend Sari and I went on a road trip to celebrate her birthday. It speaks to me that we spent the 3.5 hours down completely talking and catching up (we don't see each other much now since we both have significant others). It was beautiful to stand on the pier and have some honest conversations while watching the surf. It made me long to be younger and out there with my parents riding dirt bikes in the dunes.



Sunday we spent the day looking at more houses. Found one that I would absolutely love but is completely out of reach financially. Looked at a few that were really crazy and had thoughts of demolition dancing in my head.



Buying a house is an anxiety inducer. There are so many varibules and unknowns. I didn't even realize how freaking expensive it is to put in an offer. You have to have 1% deposit, pay for all the inspections (pest, etc), and that doesn't count the down payment or the fees once the house has closed (somewhere between 1-4% of the cost of the house). You have to have major cash on hand to do this. I mean $100 bucks is still a lot of money to me. Then we're talking putting $70,000 in cash for a place that may or may not appreciate. It's a little more than I can handle. Thank god for Zac, he takes these HUGE house prices and translates it into what it would mean monthly for us.



I suppose I could look at smaller houses, with less space than we currently have. But my dad told me to either trade up or don't trade at all. I'm currently in a 2bed 1bath with den. The house is one of the oldest structures on the street and has all those quirks an old house has. When it boils down to it I have to have at least another 1/2 bath (boys are icky). That's all I'm asking to add at this point. Although there are the "wouldn't it be nice if...." parts like a garage with storage space, a dishwasher (I think I'd kill for one at this point), a big back yard to plant our garden in.





I love looking but at this point I would prefer some definites rather than some maybes.

Change is for the better....right?

So many changes coming around. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I've changed locations for my work station (across from 2 coworkers who aren't exactly friendly) so I've been moving stuff and getting it organized so that way I can get back to work. There was just so much drama on getting my computer moved from one side of the room to the other. I have a new computer to show for it though, so I should be grateful.



The other change coming is potentially moving. I hate the holding pattern. The not knowing if we are going to move or if we are not. It's the tug of war and uncertainty that really drives my anxiety. I realize I will not know until I know BUT I would like a hint in either direction. Especially since it means either completing my overhaul on the house (I have only 2 rooms left to get straight) or just start thinking about packing.





Another thing that's giving me high anxiety is money. I dislike money because lack of it causes so many conflicts and fights. I like money because I can do things I like to do. I like to go out to lunch but not having money is going to make that impossible.



With looking at a house we are thinking of liquidating 401k's but what do we do for money for fix ups? Depending on the house we get we either save for awhile then do fix ups or we move a renter in. If we moved a renter in I have a short list of people I would ask, my best friend and a coworker of Zac's. Beyond that I don't think I'd just rent out to anyone. I am too much of a pain to deal with and have high expectations when it comes to roommates.

So why do I want to lose weight?

When I read motivational teachings they all agree that you need to clearly state not only your goals but the reasons why you want these things. So why would I want to lose weight?



Here are the reasons (some obvious, some not so)

• I don't ever want to hear the words "I'm not attracted to you physically anymore" EVER AGAIN.
• I want to be in pictures and not cringe when I see them, only noticing how fat I am
• I want to feel sexy
• I want to touch my toes
  
  
• I want to be able to keep up with my husband while we're walking and not become winded
• I want to be able to walk around Disneyland and not feel like "if i don't sit down soon someone is going to get hurt"
• When I tell someone what I weigh I don't want to hear "well you don't look like you weigh that much", I want to hear "damn you look good"
• I want to go back to buying clothes in the normal stores not a specialty overweight store (even though their clothes right now are cuter)
• When I put on a shirt I don't want to be surprised by how tight it is
• I don't want to have to throw out clothes just because I'm not that skinny anymore
• When people who knew me 15 years ago see me I don't want them to think "gosh she's let herself go"
• I want to give myself the best possible chance to conceive
  
  
• I want to be happy.
  
  

One year from now

I lurk around a few blogs and Betty Rubble was doing a "where will you be in 365 days". I thought I would go ahead and address that and show you my hopes for 2010-11



February 2011



This will see me settling into a new home that I actually own. While things will still probably be chaotic, I will know more about home repair than I did in Feb 2010. I was pleasantly surprised with how good I am at fixing things.



On the baby front we will be waiting for the blessed arrival of our first child. It will suprise me that it only took 2 cycles to conceive and had a low key pregnancy. The factor that helped the most was the 50 lbs I lost right before the 2nd cycle. For the pregnancy I kept very active and only gained 20 of it back but am now armed with how to get it off my body.





Work wise, I'm working until the last possible moment, making sure to keep my feet up and walk around. I enjoyed getting a raise back in August '10 and an increase in responsibility. Current plans are to go back to work 3 months after baby arrives but on a reduced schedule with working from home a few days a week. Luckily my bosses are really understand and fantastic on this whole baby thing.



A few of the goals we met in 2010 that I've not yet mentioned:

- We paid Zac's mom back the money she gave us before her birthday

- We got Zac's old truck up and running and are now a two car family

- We got the garden in and are cutting down on grocery bills

- Since we've been penny pinching (poor Lincoln) we have a decent amount of savings

Where I am

I am feeling in an introspective kind of mood. In that line of thought I put together two lists (since i am a list queen!)



What I'm proud of (currently):

- The fact that I've gone to the gym 4 times in the last 8 days (going to add one tonight)

- That my pants fit better (almost to the point of needing them fixed since no belt loops on the pants)

- TMI but sex is more active and better

- I can see and feel the changes in my body

- I'm not having as many sweet cravings

- I am more conscious of what I'm eating, and most of that is fruit or veggie based

- I've taken steps to become a homeowner and could be one by my birthday



Things that need more work:

- I'm not balancing the house work and life very well. I think I need to go back to doing stuff everyday rather than once a week

- Even with eating better than I was previously I need more fiber

- I've been really deviating from the recommended diet guidelines and I think I could lose more weight if I was stricter following the guidelines.

- I'm not being disciplined with keeping track of my money. I think it's time for the journal to pop up with the money it it again.



I'm feeling good and more positive everyday. I do realize there will be bad days but in general those will fall away and the happy days will remain.

Goals for Feburary

This is what i want from February:



I will hit the gym at least 12 times (3 times a week will meet this goal)

I will lose at least 10 lbs (2.5 lbs a week would meet this goal)

• If I hit this goal I will hit losing 10% of my body weight which is a major milestone for me. the ultimate goal being 169 by April 17th, 2010. The end goal being 139 by July 1st (this goal being conditional that I am not pregnant by then)

I will take my vitamins everyday

I will work in the yard and get the seeds germinating for my garden

I will finish the re-organization of my current residence

I will get the paperwork organized and shredded by March 1

I will document every penny I spend

I will save at least $100 by the end of the month ($25/week would meet this goal)



So there are my expectations, lets meet them.

January Review

January brought many changes.



I became an Auntie again and finally am not scared of babies.



I can realize that I could be a great mother because of who I am.



I finally got Zac to see that we weren't moving in any direction and so now we are working toward getting a house and nesting, its a nice change.



I am no longer a member of the 200 club, and so far have lost 12 lbs. I started at 211 lbs.



I went to the gym 5 times the entire month, better than previously but still I know I can do better.

2010

This year has a lot in store for me:
1) By April 2010 I will be 20 pounds lighter
2) By June 2010 I will have all of my bills filed and archived correctly
3) By September 2010 I will have an increase in pay and responsibility at my Job.
4) By December 31st 2010 I will have over $2000 in savings (which will be a first for me!)

And those are just the highlights. There's a multitude of things that will happen for me in 2010. Things I don't want to bore you with.I hope great things happen for you. *hugs*

Horoscope for today

This was in my inbox today:This is the most important time in your life to maintain consistency in everything you do. You've come too far to cave in now! Look at the overview of the whole year and sketch out a blueprint to help you stay on track. Stand up straight and never say "try" this year. That's a word for pessimists. Think like as optimist and "assume" you will succeed!I read this after in my mind going, meh I don't want to go to the gym today. I think I will skip it. So it looks like I'm not going to skip it and I am going to try to be consistent. There is nothing that is more a pain in the butt than trying to establish a new routine.Currently I've been going to the gym after I get off work and I don't think I will change that, cause I don't do mornings. It's all I can do to get up and dressed for work! I just have to work on going to the gym as much as I can tolerate which needs to be three times a week. I just keep finding excuses not to go. I like how I feel when I'm done and I just finally got over the thought that people are watching me (no they aren't they are wrapped up in themselves). So why don't I feel like going? Because being lazy is the easy path.Why can't going to the gym and being consistent be the easy path?

An introduction

Welcome! This is my blog where I will track my weight loss journey (that just sounds cheesy). So maybe some background would be good? Here we go:



I'm 27, married for almost 5 years, and have PCOS. PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) is a very defining thing for me. It helps me to tell people why I'm overweight, why I don't (yet) have children, and why I don't do baby showers (ever).



So here I am. In it to lose it. I started January 2010 armed with 211 lbs and a plan to make it to 140 (my high school weight).



These plans include:

-Complete overhaul of diet

-Actual activity (I'm a book nut who would rather read than go outside)

-Making myself accountable.



You are about to come with me on a trip where I don't if I will end up at the destination but I will try every road I know to get there.